I have always loved going to the fair. Two reasons why-
Okay, three reasons. I also love people watching.
Okay, four reasons. Parade of Products.
This past weekend K and I went to the OC County Fair. As far as county fairs go, the Orange County one is always enjoyable. In the past I’ve attended more than once, normally because I’m seeing different concerts or shows. This year we opted for just one visit.
We were definitely not trying to stick to the Paleo plan. It was all about pacing ourselves.
Our first stop was in the wine garden. This was a pretty decent cheese and fruit plate by county fair standards.
Of course we had to have a corn dog. I opted for the hot dog on a stick (4.50) as opposed to the giant corn dog (11.50). Who pays $11.50 for a corndog???
It’s not a county fair without funnel cake. And look, it’s heart shaped.
I also love checking out the garden and crops. I’m pretty sure my pumpkins will be bigger than these.
I wanted to take all of these home with me. Not to eat.
Ankole-Watsui Cattle are BEAUTIFUL. This is Ysabel. she was gorgeous.
Before we left, we had one more stop to make.
Because we had to get this to go
The Paleo lifestyle has has it’s challenges. Namely I miss cheese!!! I’d like to say that we’ve been all Paleo, all the time. But we’re not perfect. We’re at about a 80/20 split. When we’re at home we mostly eat Paleo. When we’re out anything goes. Of course today we went to the fair so it all went out the window.
Here are some of the yummy things I’ve made so far. If the recipe is available on a website I’ve provided the link. If it doesn’t have the link that means it came from a book. If you’re interested in one of those recipes leave a comment and I will email you the recipe.
Almond Encrusted Salmon from www.paleoplan.com
Bacon wrapped peach stuffed chicken thighs from barefood cooking
Paleo Balsalmic Roasted Chicken from paleoaholic.com
Chocolate and Walnut Torte from Elana’s Pantry
and my favorite so far, mini bacon meatloaf
I haven’t weighed myself or checked my measurements so I’m not sure if those things have changed for me. K, however, is down ten pounds. Lucky bastard.
I’ve been slowly trying to find my way back here. There have been a ton of changes going on recently and I want to eventually blog about most of them but I’m not even sure where to start.
I guess I’ll start with what’s going on this week. Tomorrow K and I start a month of Paleo. It’s something I’ve been thinking about for a while now and I’ve been studying up on it. I also recently started crossfit and it’s definitely a big part of that lifestyle. However I wanted to give it a try for a couple of different reasons. I needed a change. My body hasn’t felt right physically for a while now. Stress has taken a toll and in the past two months I’ve found myself in urgent care twice with issues related to blood pressure and my digestive system.
I wanted to try Paleo for a month. There will be times when it’s just not going to happen, and that’s okay, but our goal is to stick to it as much as possible. I’ve meal planned for Paleo and prepped our pantry, freezer, and refrigerator to be Paleo friendly. After a month it is likely we’ll add some carbs in, however if everything goes well my goal is to be at least 80% Paleo all of the time.
There have been some funny responses from friends. Mostly along the lines that they think we’ve lost our minds. Paleo is NOT a diet. And it’s certainly not a lifestyle that requires us to eat foods we don’t like. Protein (meat, fish, chicken, pork, eggs, etc), vegetables, fruits, and nuts are all things we love eating. And our Paleo friendly bounty at the Farmer’s market is full of good things.
It’s nice that we are starting in summer when there are so many great seasonal fruits and veggies available.
And then there are the nuts-
I have found some great recipes using nuts that I can’t wait to try.
There are challenges. We’re social and eat out a bit with friends and I’m sure we’ll find when it comes time to order at restaurants we will be hurting a little. We both love beer and are really trying hard to give that up for the month. And then there’s the lack of bread and cheese. I LOVE CHEESE.
But then there are things that aren’t part of Paleo that aren’t part of our normal routine. We normally don’t eat a lot of processed foods so this is one thing we won’t miss. When I cook I mostly use fresh ingredients and I’m looking forward to trying some of the amazing recipes I’ve found. Paleo can be challenging in that it takes prep. Paleo friendly snacks should be on hand and available when needed. I normally meal plan in advance so I’ve added breakfast and snack ideas into my planning to help make things easier.
I’m going to try to Pin the recipes that I’ve found online, but a lot of the ones I’ll be using I have found in books. Those will be uploaded to my recipe book on the Plan to Eat website. If you’re not a member of Plan to Eat and love to cook and share recipes, check it out. There are free trial memberships available.
Paleo here I come.
I’m going to miss my Starbucks mochas.
I keep telling myself that I need to post. I just don’t know what to post about. Nobody wants to hear about the bad times, or the tears, or the crushing pain I feel in my heart. And I’m not sure I want to talk about those things. I’m so afraid that if I start talking about those things then I won’t be able to dig myself out.
The practical side of me knows that things will be better. I know that what I’m dealing with…this too shall pass. But there are so many days I don’t want to get out of bed.
I’m almost 45 and going through my second divorce.
I have no idea where my life is going.
All I do know is that I feel like a big fat failure.
You’ve probably forgotten who I am. I wouldn’t blame you. It’s been over a month since I’ve been here. I’ve good reason for being away – life and all that.
I’m dealing with some stuff. I’ve been dealing with a lot of stress. It’s been tough for a while and I haven’t been dealing with it well.
My life has been experiencing so many changes in the past six months. Obviously the divorce has been a big one. I also went back to work. I was a stay at home mom, wife, and I ran a small business. And then I went back to work. The problem is, I didn’t take anything off my plate. Obviously I wasn’t a wife anymore, but everything I did before I went back to work I continued to try to do. And then I added more things.
That didn’t work out very well.
I’ve spent the past few months trying hard to “catch-up.” I found myself in a place where I just keep going in circles trying to check everything off my task list. It’s reached a point that’s become unbearable.
I define unbearable as constant panic attacks – just for the record.
Tonight when I got home, I reached the final breaking point. The dam opened and I couldn’t stop the flood of tears. I have literally tasked myself to a point that I didn’t see any way out. In the past when I’ve dealt with an issue I’ve always been able to sit down and work out a plan. However, this has reached such gigantic proportions I couldn’t even figure out how to start working out a plan.
My guy sat with me and held my hand as I cried and tried to explain how hopeless I was feeling. It seems that I was no longer in control of my life and instead I was being controlled by everything on my to do list. And that’s just not the way I want to live. So we talked about what needed to be done. It was obvious that something drastic had to be done and I made the decision to take as much off my plate as possible. It’s time to declutter my life in every way possible. Over the next four weeks I’ll be reducing unnecessary responsibilities. Unnecessary, for me, will be defined as something that not only doesn’t support my future goals but it keeps me from truly enjoying my life.
I’m putting a lot of other things on hold for a while and also restructuring some items that require attention. Even as I was making these decisions I could feel myself start to add things to my to do list once I was able to clear some of these things off. My guy quickly reminded me to stop.
His advice is to write the word “Simplify” on index cards and put them all around so that I can see them.
I think I’m going to need one everywhere.
It’s recently come to my attention that I’ve been dealing with not only periods of depression but an overwhelming loss of any type of self worth. Obviously having another failed marriage serves as a catalyst but once I started reflecting on things I realized that these feelings started about fifteen months ago. Having my best friend decide to cut me out of her life, an altercation with the husband that started the beginning of the end of our marriage and the loss of a job that I loved put me in a downward spiral that I’ve struggled to pull myself out of.
Here I am a little over a year later, dealing with a pending divorce, some work issues, and some family problems – I don’t feel as if I’ve come very far. And when you don’t hold yourself as worthy then it’s only a matter of time before others don’t treat you as worthy either. And this past week that’s there I found myself. Frustrated with myself, hurt and betrayed by the actions of others, I just couldn’t get it together. I wanted to fold. At the same time there’s been an inner voice screaming at me. Telling me to knock it off. Telling me that I have so much to offer and so much left to do in this world. I could hear that voice. I just couldn’t see how to make it come out.
And I still don’t know how to make that happen. That’s what is the most frustrating. I’ve always been the queen of positive talk. I’ve always been able to convince myself that tomorrow will be a better day.
Up until now.
But yesterday something started to change. I got angry. Really angry. The kind of angry that makes me shake. And it felt good. I felt alive. And I realized that I was tired of being treated badly and not only do I not deserve to be treated badly I am not going to take it anymore.
Yesterday’s moment of clarity happened during an argument with the father of my boys. An argument in which he once again pointed out my failures as a mother. In all fairness I started the argument by telling him he was a shitty father. He’s not. He did do a shitty move though and told Beav that he didn’t deserve to travel up north (for a week with his dad)for spring break because of his grades. I held Beav in my arms as he sobbed and I watched his dad break him yesterday. And nothing gets this momma bear going more than messing with her babies.
I’ve always been a bit hard. And there have been many occasions when others have expressed their dislike at that side of me. So I worked to tone it down. I worked to show my happy side. But that bit of a hard edge I had…that’s who I am. And what makes me “hard” in the eyes of others? My ability to be confident and not put up with unnecessary crap. It’s my ability to recognize when others are taking advantage of my good nature and abusing their relationship with me. It’s my confidence in my ability to do my job and do it well. It’s what drives me to work harder and achieve more.
I wanted so badly to be one of ”those people.” You know – who people say things like ‘She’s always smiling’, or ‘She’s always happy.’ I think that in my desire to be less angry and more “happy” I’ve lost who I am. I’ve become this tearful, insecure, woman who’s afraid of her own voice. And I’m not happy. It’s why I don’t take care of myself like I did before. I don’t work out like I did. Hell, today was my first pedicure in over six weeks. And we’re not even going to discuss how long it was between eyebrow waxing. I was starting to resemble Groucho Marx.
No more. It’s time for me to be a Bitch again. And I mean Bitch in the best possible way -
It’s time to empower myself – I want to be feisty, brave, determined, respected, strong, and confident. These are the things that will make me HAPPY.
I know that I’m not going to wake up tomorrow and feel like a new woman. It took awhile for me to lose all the things I was before and it will take some time to get them back.
But I will get them back. Believe it.
Maybe one of the things I should put on my 101 Things list is to actually list 101 Things, ha ha ha.
Life’s been busy, but I haven’t forgotten about the things I want to accomplish. I’m just taking a bit longer than I planned. I’m on my way to one goal though and this past weekend I did a 5K with Oakmonster. I was ill prepared to do the 5K and I wouldn’t be lying if I admitted that up until the day of the event I considered cancelling every hour.
That being said I’ll admit I enjoyed it. And I learned a few things about myself.
I hate jogging. I don’t especially like running. What I do love is sprinting. Although not for long distances. I enjoy walking a bit and then breaking into a sprint and then going back to walking and then sprinting. I also discovered that I enjoy doing 5ks. It’s not about the speed or the “race” but I had a lot of fun doing it. This is probably the most surprising revelation. I’m fairly competitive so the fact that I enjoy doing a 5K just for the fun of it really surprises me. My time as around 42 minutes and I came in 68th (out of118) for my age range.
I’m glad Oakmonster encouraged me to do this and I’m looking forward to doing many more.
In fact next time I might have to do it in costume in support of my band Kittens of Fury. I bet you didn’t know I was in a band That, my friends, is a whole other story.
We are into week 5 of 2013. How are your resolutions going?
I feel I am somewhat on track to getting things accomplished. Being sick last week certainly didn’t help me at all. However, this week I’m on my way to recovery and ready to kick ass and take names.
Here’s what I’ve accomplished so far:
On the Physical Health/Well Being List:
I’ve changed gyms to LA Fitness. I did this because they offer two things I want to start doing (again) – Cycling and Yoga. I’ve been a member of 24 hour for a while now, but I just couldn’t fit their class schedule into my schedule. The LA fitness schedule seems to be a better fit for me but time will tell. I just need to get off my ass and go.
So far I’ve lost three pounds. But that’s because I was sick so that really doesn’t count.
Home Organization -
I’ve been working on this system this year - 52 Weeks To An Organized Home.
This week it’s on recipe organization, yay!! I’m currently considering two of the suggestions for organizing my recipes. One is Evernote, which I already use and love. The other is Plan to Eat, Plan to Eat offers a 30 day free trial so I’m going to try it out and see if I like it. I like the option to share recipes since I do get a lot of requests for copies of the recipes I’ve tried. We’ll see how it goes.
Personal Improvement -
I did check into school today. I was trying to find out if there are any second nine week courses that I could get into. That way, at least, I would be getting my foot in the door. Unfortunately there weren’t any. This week I’m going to try to check in with city college to see what they have to offer. Definitely baby steps on this one.
The next few weeks will certainly be a challenge. Beav is in the spring musical and that’s less than a month away so his rehearsal schedule is about to get crazy. It makes things a little tough for me because of transportation issues. I’m starting to think maybe it’s a good idea for him to get his license. It would definitely make my life easier.
I have no free weekends for at least a month and just thinking about that makes me tired. But it’s better to keep busy.
This too shall pass.
There’s a nasty stomach flu bug going around and I’ve been unfortunate enough to catch it. And to say it sucks would be the understatement of the year.
Unless you enjoy walking around feeling like you’ve been punched in the gut repeatedly.
As some of you may or may not know I’ve been seeing someone. He’s someone I’ve known for quite a while and while it’s not a secret I’m not shouting it from the rooftops. It’s not because I’m embarrassed or ashamed. But I am going through a divorce and that just sucks. A lot. And I have bad days. Days in which I find it near impossible to get out of bed. Days in which I cry and it doesn’t seem like I can stop. And that’s when some people stop to say things like ‘why are you sad, you have someone else.’
Yes, you’re right. I do have someone. I’m not crying or sad because I’m lonely. I’m sad because I loved someone and he hurt me and I hurt him. And that hurts. Why do I have to validate it to some people? I don’t just switch one man out and another man in. My husband isn’t replaceable. And I don’t want to replace him.
I do have periods in which I’m lonely. And I’m okay with that. It’s a good opportunity to self reflect and think about things – where I’ve been, where I want to go, etc. In the midst of the pain I’ve been feeling I’ve made no secret that I never plan to get married again.
The other night at about midnight I realized that the pain was a bit more than I could handle. Friends were throwing words like appendicitis and kidney stones at me, so I decided that it might be a good idea for me to go to the emergency room. However considering that I couldn’t stand without being doubled over how was I going to get there? So I called my special someone and he came to take me to the hospital. He drove thirty miles in the middle of the night to take care of me. While we were at the hospital and I was signing papers and giving them my insurance information they asked for an emergency contact.
Um, I’m not sure. However someone special spoke up right away and volunteered his information.
And that’s when it hit me. If I’m ever hospitalized or have something serious going on the only people who are allowed to have a say in my treatment or possibly visit me if I’m in critical condition are family members. So if that happens and I have a someone special and he’s not my husband…well then we’re both out of luck.
BTW..when you’re delirious with pain and exhaustion these are the kinds of thoughts you have. Well at least they’re the kinds of thoughts I have.
I’m not saying that all of a sudden my thoughts on getting married again have changed. I mean let’s be serious. Two failed marriages – life is trying to tell me something.
But, it is something to think about.
Naturally everyone is talking about their New Year’s Resolutions. I always say I don’t make New Year’s Resolutions and instead make New Year’s Goals, but it’s really the same thing isn’t it?
Over the past month I’ve been thinking about the things I want to accomplish in 2013. And then I read this post and I thought it was a great idea. I am sure that it will take me a few weeks to come up with 101 things so I’ll be adding to this list frequently. However I’m looking forward to getting started.
Physical Health/Well Being (7)
1. Get back on track with exercise. I’m not sure that I’ll continue kickboxing but I’d like to try cross fit. So that’s number 1.
2. Try Yoga….again. I tried Yoga several years ago and wasn’t a big fan. But I think it will be very helpful with my sciatic and I’m anxious to give it another try.
3. Run 5k – Race on The Base. I’m doing this with Oakmonster on February 23. Wish me luck
4. Mud Run 4/6/2013- I’m looking forward to this as it will be something totally new. A girlfriend suggested it and I’m hoping I an get some of my staff and coworkers to participate.
5. A 10k…not sure if I can do it but I’m shooting for it. If I can do two 5ks before June this should be a realistic goal.
6. Lose thirty pounds (I couldn’t leave this off)
7. Get back to archery.
1. Stay on top of my reader. I get crazy busy and that’s the first thing I neglect. This might mean that I need to thin the herd a bit.
2. Plant my garden.
3. Plant fruit trees in the backyard
4. Upload my CD collection and then get rid of them. I have hundreds of them and it’s time to get rid of them.
5. Sell the vintage Samsonsite luggage I have. It’s worth some change and why am I holding onto it.
6. Organize China – I have several boxes of a few diferent sets of china. The sets are mine, my moms, my grandmother’s, and I think one is intended for my stepdaughter. I need to go through, decide what’s being kept and then work on completing the sets.
7. Organize the photos. The hundreds of them. Literally.
8. Organize and clean up jump drives – there are a dozen of random ones.
9. Get this record player fixed. I need to find someone who can come and try to get this fixed. I inherited this from my grandmother and the sound is still amazing.
10. Redo my bedroom. Nothing major but still making some changes. After the husband moved out the therapist recommended I change the house around. But I like my house the way it is. So instead I thought I would “girl” up the bedroom. Don’t think pink, but instead, black, silver, “glamour” style. I’m getting rid of my jewelry chest and dressing table (both were from the ex) and working hard on getting rid of other stuff that is just, well, stuff.
11. Anyone that knows me knows I’m addicted to recipes and recipe books. I’ve literally hundreds of recipes all over the place. This year I plan to get them all organized.
Personal Improvement (8)
1. Get back on the horse. I was lucky enough this year to do some horseback riding and I’d like to get back to it. At least once a month.
2. Start cooking again. With just Beav and me I haven’t been up to doing the cooking I used to do. I miss it. It’s hard because I’m busy and work is kicking my butt, but it’s important that I do this. This is kind of a vague goal so I’ll make it more specific – try at least three new recipes a month.
3. Read twelve books. When I use to have more time I could read twelve books in twelve weeks.
4. Get back to school. Seriously, I need to get this done already.
5. Start volunteering again. I miss it lots.
6. Finish my family tree on ancestry. I wasn’t sure which category this should under to, but knowing about my family makes me a better person…right?
7. Meditate. Okay, maybe not exactly meditate, but work towards spending some quiet time each day with myself and do some self reflection, maybe some praying, and perhaps some private journaling.
8. Speaking of prayer. I need to get back to church. Seriously.
1. Travel with Beav or both kids at least twice this year for a fun weekend away.
2. Take my boys camping – at least once.
3. Head out of town just for some R & R at least once every three months. Seattle is defintely on my list.
4. Go to Hawaii. I’ve been invited to Hawaii and I’m going to try to go.
1. Get back on track with my ACMPE certification (Certified practice manager)
2. Get my AMBA certification (billing).