You’ve probably forgotten who I am. I wouldn’t blame you. It’s been over a month since I’ve been here. I’ve good reason for being away – life and all that.
I’m dealing with some stuff. I’ve been dealing with a lot of stress. It’s been tough for a while and I haven’t been dealing with it well.
My life has been experiencing so many changes in the past six months. Obviously the divorce has been a big one. I also went back to work. I was a stay at home mom, wife, and I ran a small business. And then I went back to work. The problem is, I didn’t take anything off my plate. Obviously I wasn’t a wife anymore, but everything I did before I went back to work I continued to try to do. And then I added more things.
That didn’t work out very well.
I’ve spent the past few months trying hard to “catch-up.” I found myself in a place where I just keep going in circles trying to check everything off my task list. It’s reached a point that’s become unbearable.
I define unbearable as constant panic attacks – just for the record.
Tonight when I got home, I reached the final breaking point. The dam opened and I couldn’t stop the flood of tears. I have literally tasked myself to a point that I didn’t see any way out. In the past when I’ve dealt with an issue I’ve always been able to sit down and work out a plan. However, this has reached such gigantic proportions I couldn’t even figure out how to start working out a plan.
My guy sat with me and held my hand as I cried and tried to explain how hopeless I was feeling. It seems that I was no longer in control of my life and instead I was being controlled by everything on my to do list. And that’s just not the way I want to live. So we talked about what needed to be done. It was obvious that something drastic had to be done and I made the decision to take as much off my plate as possible. It’s time to declutter my life in every way possible. Over the next four weeks I’ll be reducing unnecessary responsibilities. Unnecessary, for me, will be defined as something that not only doesn’t support my future goals but it keeps me from truly enjoying my life.
I’m putting a lot of other things on hold for a while and also restructuring some items that require attention. Even as I was making these decisions I could feel myself start to add things to my to do list once I was able to clear some of these things off. My guy quickly reminded me to stop.
His advice is to write the word “Simplify” on index cards and put them all around so that I can see them.
I think I’m going to need one everywhere.
It’s recently come to my attention that I’ve been dealing with not only periods of depression but an overwhelming loss of any type of self worth. Obviously having another failed marriage serves as a catalyst but once I started reflecting on things I realized that these feelings started about fifteen months ago. Having my best friend decide to cut me out of her life, an altercation with the husband that started the beginning of the end of our marriage and the loss of a job that I loved put me in a downward spiral that I’ve struggled to pull myself out of.
Here I am a little over a year later, dealing with a pending divorce, some work issues, and some family problems – I don’t feel as if I’ve come very far. And when you don’t hold yourself as worthy then it’s only a matter of time before others don’t treat you as worthy either. And this past week that’s there I found myself. Frustrated with myself, hurt and betrayed by the actions of others, I just couldn’t get it together. I wanted to fold. At the same time there’s been an inner voice screaming at me. Telling me to knock it off. Telling me that I have so much to offer and so much left to do in this world. I could hear that voice. I just couldn’t see how to make it come out.
And I still don’t know how to make that happen. That’s what is the most frustrating. I’ve always been the queen of positive talk. I’ve always been able to convince myself that tomorrow will be a better day.
Up until now.
But yesterday something started to change. I got angry. Really angry. The kind of angry that makes me shake. And it felt good. I felt alive. And I realized that I was tired of being treated badly and not only do I not deserve to be treated badly I am not going to take it anymore.
Yesterday’s moment of clarity happened during an argument with the father of my boys. An argument in which he once again pointed out my failures as a mother. In all fairness I started the argument by telling him he was a shitty father. He’s not. He did do a shitty move though and told Beav that he didn’t deserve to travel up north (for a week with his dad)for spring break because of his grades. I held Beav in my arms as he sobbed and I watched his dad break him yesterday. And nothing gets this momma bear going more than messing with her babies.
I’ve always been a bit hard. And there have been many occasions when others have expressed their dislike at that side of me. So I worked to tone it down. I worked to show my happy side. But that bit of a hard edge I had…that’s who I am. And what makes me “hard” in the eyes of others? My ability to be confident and not put up with unnecessary crap. It’s my ability to recognize when others are taking advantage of my good nature and abusing their relationship with me. It’s my confidence in my ability to do my job and do it well. It’s what drives me to work harder and achieve more.
I wanted so badly to be one of ”those people.” You know – who people say things like ‘She’s always smiling’, or ‘She’s always happy.’ I think that in my desire to be less angry and more “happy” I’ve lost who I am. I’ve become this tearful, insecure, woman who’s afraid of her own voice. And I’m not happy. It’s why I don’t take care of myself like I did before. I don’t work out like I did. Hell, today was my first pedicure in over six weeks. And we’re not even going to discuss how long it was between eyebrow waxing. I was starting to resemble Groucho Marx.
No more. It’s time for me to be a Bitch again. And I mean Bitch in the best possible way -
It’s time to empower myself – I want to be feisty, brave, determined, respected, strong, and confident. These are the things that will make me HAPPY.
I know that I’m not going to wake up tomorrow and feel like a new woman. It took awhile for me to lose all the things I was before and it will take some time to get them back.
But I will get them back. Believe it.
Maybe one of the things I should put on my 101 Things list is to actually list 101 Things, ha ha ha.
Life’s been busy, but I haven’t forgotten about the things I want to accomplish. I’m just taking a bit longer than I planned. I’m on my way to one goal though and this past weekend I did a 5K with Oakmonster. I was ill prepared to do the 5K and I wouldn’t be lying if I admitted that up until the day of the event I considered cancelling every hour.
That being said I’ll admit I enjoyed it. And I learned a few things about myself.
I hate jogging. I don’t especially like running. What I do love is sprinting. Although not for long distances. I enjoy walking a bit and then breaking into a sprint and then going back to walking and then sprinting. I also discovered that I enjoy doing 5ks. It’s not about the speed or the “race” but I had a lot of fun doing it. This is probably the most surprising revelation. I’m fairly competitive so the fact that I enjoy doing a 5K just for the fun of it really surprises me. My time as around 42 minutes and I came in 68th (out of118) for my age range.
I’m glad Oakmonster encouraged me to do this and I’m looking forward to doing many more.
In fact next time I might have to do it in costume in support of my band Kittens of Fury. I bet you didn’t know I was in a band That, my friends, is a whole other story.
We are into week 5 of 2013. How are your resolutions going?
I feel I am somewhat on track to getting things accomplished. Being sick last week certainly didn’t help me at all. However, this week I’m on my way to recovery and ready to kick ass and take names.
Here’s what I’ve accomplished so far:
On the Physical Health/Well Being List:
I’ve changed gyms to LA Fitness. I did this because they offer two things I want to start doing (again) – Cycling and Yoga. I’ve been a member of 24 hour for a while now, but I just couldn’t fit their class schedule into my schedule. The LA fitness schedule seems to be a better fit for me but time will tell. I just need to get off my ass and go.
So far I’ve lost three pounds. But that’s because I was sick so that really doesn’t count.
Home Organization -
I’ve been working on this system this year - 52 Weeks To An Organized Home.
This week it’s on recipe organization, yay!! I’m currently considering two of the suggestions for organizing my recipes. One is Evernote, which I already use and love. The other is Plan to Eat, Plan to Eat offers a 30 day free trial so I’m going to try it out and see if I like it. I like the option to share recipes since I do get a lot of requests for copies of the recipes I’ve tried. We’ll see how it goes.
Personal Improvement -
I did check into school today. I was trying to find out if there are any second nine week courses that I could get into. That way, at least, I would be getting my foot in the door. Unfortunately there weren’t any. This week I’m going to try to check in with city college to see what they have to offer. Definitely baby steps on this one.
The next few weeks will certainly be a challenge. Beav is in the spring musical and that’s less than a month away so his rehearsal schedule is about to get crazy. It makes things a little tough for me because of transportation issues. I’m starting to think maybe it’s a good idea for him to get his license. It would definitely make my life easier.
I have no free weekends for at least a month and just thinking about that makes me tired. But it’s better to keep busy.
This too shall pass.
There’s a nasty stomach flu bug going around and I’ve been unfortunate enough to catch it. And to say it sucks would be the understatement of the year.
Unless you enjoy walking around feeling like you’ve been punched in the gut repeatedly.
As some of you may or may not know I’ve been seeing someone. He’s someone I’ve known for quite a while and while it’s not a secret I’m not shouting it from the rooftops. It’s not because I’m embarrassed or ashamed. But I am going through a divorce and that just sucks. A lot. And I have bad days. Days in which I find it near impossible to get out of bed. Days in which I cry and it doesn’t seem like I can stop. And that’s when some people stop to say things like ‘why are you sad, you have someone else.’
Yes, you’re right. I do have someone. I’m not crying or sad because I’m lonely. I’m sad because I loved someone and he hurt me and I hurt him. And that hurts. Why do I have to validate it to some people? I don’t just switch one man out and another man in. My husband isn’t replaceable. And I don’t want to replace him.
I do have periods in which I’m lonely. And I’m okay with that. It’s a good opportunity to self reflect and think about things – where I’ve been, where I want to go, etc. In the midst of the pain I’ve been feeling I’ve made no secret that I never plan to get married again.
The other night at about midnight I realized that the pain was a bit more than I could handle. Friends were throwing words like appendicitis and kidney stones at me, so I decided that it might be a good idea for me to go to the emergency room. However considering that I couldn’t stand without being doubled over how was I going to get there? So I called my special someone and he came to take me to the hospital. He drove thirty miles in the middle of the night to take care of me. While we were at the hospital and I was signing papers and giving them my insurance information they asked for an emergency contact.
Um, I’m not sure. However someone special spoke up right away and volunteered his information.
And that’s when it hit me. If I’m ever hospitalized or have something serious going on the only people who are allowed to have a say in my treatment or possibly visit me if I’m in critical condition are family members. So if that happens and I have a someone special and he’s not my husband…well then we’re both out of luck.
BTW..when you’re delirious with pain and exhaustion these are the kinds of thoughts you have. Well at least they’re the kinds of thoughts I have.
I’m not saying that all of a sudden my thoughts on getting married again have changed. I mean let’s be serious. Two failed marriages – life is trying to tell me something.
But, it is something to think about.
Naturally everyone is talking about their New Year’s Resolutions. I always say I don’t make New Year’s Resolutions and instead make New Year’s Goals, but it’s really the same thing isn’t it?
Over the past month I’ve been thinking about the things I want to accomplish in 2013. And then I read this post and I thought it was a great idea. I am sure that it will take me a few weeks to come up with 101 things so I’ll be adding to this list frequently. However I’m looking forward to getting started.
Physical Health/Well Being (7)
1. Get back on track with exercise. I’m not sure that I’ll continue kickboxing but I’d like to try cross fit. So that’s number 1.
2. Try Yoga….again. I tried Yoga several years ago and wasn’t a big fan. But I think it will be very helpful with my sciatic and I’m anxious to give it another try.
3. Run 5k – Race on The Base. I’m doing this with Oakmonster on February 23. Wish me luck
4. Mud Run 4/6/2013- I’m looking forward to this as it will be something totally new. A girlfriend suggested it and I’m hoping I an get some of my staff and coworkers to participate.
5. A 10k…not sure if I can do it but I’m shooting for it. If I can do two 5ks before June this should be a realistic goal.
6. Lose thirty pounds (I couldn’t leave this off)
7. Get back to archery.
1. Stay on top of my reader. I get crazy busy and that’s the first thing I neglect. This might mean that I need to thin the herd a bit.
2. Plant my garden.
3. Plant fruit trees in the backyard
4. Upload my CD collection and then get rid of them. I have hundreds of them and it’s time to get rid of them.
5. Sell the vintage Samsonsite luggage I have. It’s worth some change and why am I holding onto it.
6. Organize China – I have several boxes of a few diferent sets of china. The sets are mine, my moms, my grandmother’s, and I think one is intended for my stepdaughter. I need to go through, decide what’s being kept and then work on completing the sets.
7. Organize the photos. The hundreds of them. Literally.
8. Organize and clean up jump drives – there are a dozen of random ones.
9. Get this record player fixed. I need to find someone who can come and try to get this fixed. I inherited this from my grandmother and the sound is still amazing.
10. Redo my bedroom. Nothing major but still making some changes. After the husband moved out the therapist recommended I change the house around. But I like my house the way it is. So instead I thought I would “girl” up the bedroom. Don’t think pink, but instead, black, silver, “glamour” style. I’m getting rid of my jewelry chest and dressing table (both were from the ex) and working hard on getting rid of other stuff that is just, well, stuff.
11. Anyone that knows me knows I’m addicted to recipes and recipe books. I’ve literally hundreds of recipes all over the place. This year I plan to get them all organized.
Personal Improvement (8)
1. Get back on the horse. I was lucky enough this year to do some horseback riding and I’d like to get back to it. At least once a month.
2. Start cooking again. With just Beav and me I haven’t been up to doing the cooking I used to do. I miss it. It’s hard because I’m busy and work is kicking my butt, but it’s important that I do this. This is kind of a vague goal so I’ll make it more specific – try at least three new recipes a month.
3. Read twelve books. When I use to have more time I could read twelve books in twelve weeks.
4. Get back to school. Seriously, I need to get this done already.
5. Start volunteering again. I miss it lots.
6. Finish my family tree on ancestry. I wasn’t sure which category this should under to, but knowing about my family makes me a better person…right?
7. Meditate. Okay, maybe not exactly meditate, but work towards spending some quiet time each day with myself and do some self reflection, maybe some praying, and perhaps some private journaling.
8. Speaking of prayer. I need to get back to church. Seriously.
1. Travel with Beav or both kids at least twice this year for a fun weekend away.
2. Take my boys camping – at least once.
3. Head out of town just for some R & R at least once every three months. Seattle is defintely on my list.
4. Go to Hawaii. I’ve been invited to Hawaii and I’m going to try to go.
1. Get back on track with my ACMPE certification (Certified practice manager)
2. Get my AMBA certification (billing).
Taking a page from Jennet I’ve decided to do a year in review. I’m not sure I want to review this year but what the heck nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Where were you when 2012 began? I was in Northern California visiting my brothers and sister. I played games at my brother Jeff’s house on New Years Eve. It was nice and quiet.
Who were you with? My brother and his wife and I think another person, although I can’t remember.
Was 2012 a good year for you? I would have to say no. Lots of rough patches. However I can’t say it was all horrible.
What countries/states did you visit? Arizona, of course. I also went to New Mexico, Nevada, Oregon, and Washington. I did not visit any other countries.
Did you keep your new years’ resolutions? I don’t remember what they were, so I would have to say no.
Did anyone close to you give birth? Nope.
Did anyone close to you die? No, but I watched some dear friends have to go through their losses.
What date from 2012 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? There isn’t any particular date that stands out.
Experiences: What did you do in 2012 that you’d never done before? I participated in a flash mob at my girlfriend’s wedding. I started my own business. I tried to climb half dome.
Did you have fun in 2012? Yes. Especially during the last three months. I went to Portland for my birthday, so much fun! And in December I went to Vegas and Palm Springs.
What do you wish you’d done more of? Meditate. I need more quiet time.
What do you wish you’d done less of? Stress
What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I hung out with my brother and his family in Oregon. I turned 44.
What did you want and get? An awesome job
What did you want and not get? Nothing comes to mind
Whose behavior merited celebration? Beav has seriously stepped up this year in so many ways. He is such a strong person with an amazing loving soul. I learn from him every day.
Whose behavior made you appalled, depressed, or sad? Someone close to me, but that’s all I’m going to say.
Did somebody treat you badly in 2012? See above
Who were some new people you met? Coworkers, employees. New friends. Favorites/Least Favorites:
What was your favorite month of 2012? I think July, I spent an amazing week in Palm Springs and then some time in Temecula for a wedding.
What was your favorite moment of the year? When it was over
What was your least favorite moment of the year? Realizing my marriage was over. The shootings in CT.
What was your favorite TV program? I don’t have a lot of time to watch television, but I really enjoy watching The X Factor. I think it’s awesome that people of all ages from all different walks of life get an opportunity to show their talents.
What was the best book you read? I really loved The Hunger Games
What were your favorite films of this year? I don’t go to the movies very often. I did enjoy The Hunger Games though.
What was your favorite new technology/application? I finally got an iPhone!
What was your greatest musical discovery?
What was the best thing you bought? Did I mention I really love my iPhone?
Self-reflection: What was your biggest achievement of the year? Starting a new job and getting back into the work force.
What was your biggest failure? I failed at my marriage
Did you suffer illness or injury? No although my sciatica has been worse than normal.
Where did most of your money go? Just paying the bills
What kept you sane? My kids
What political issue stirred you the most? Same sex marriage
Who did you miss? I miss my brothers and sister
What did you get really, really, really excited about? Nothing.
Compared to this time last year, are you: I. happier or sadder? This time last year I was very sad. I’m still sad but definitely better than I was. ii. thinner or fatter? I think about the same iii. richer or poorer? Definitely poorer. Single mom life kinda sucks
Did you lose anything important this year? I don’t think so
What was your proudest moment of 2012? Starting my own business.
What was your most embarrassing moment of 2012? Not being able to climb half dome
Gauge your: (On a scale of: Very Good, Good, Fairly Good, Fairly Bad, Bad, Very Bad) • Relational Health – Fairly good • Emotional Health – Fairly Good • Physical Health – Fairly Good • Social Health – Good ( • Spiritual Health – Very Bad, I really need to work on this • Intellectual Health – Good (Teaching and attending training FTW) • Financial Health – Fairly Bad
In the future:
How will you be spending Christmas? Just having a quiet one with my kids and then dinner at a friend’s house.
How will you be spending New Years? Another quiet evening at home.
What would you like to have in 2013 that you lacked in 2012? Financial Independence
What are your plans for 2013? Cross a lot of things off my bucket list.
Will you make any new years resolutions for 2013? Yes I will. Defintely.
In Conclusion: Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2012: That I can make it on my own. It’s going to be tough and I will have moments when I don’t feel that I can’t make it but I know I will.
Quote a song lyric that sums up your year: She’s just a girl, and she’s on fire Hotter than a fantasy, longer like a highway She’s living in a world, and it’s on fire Feeling the catastrophe, but she knows she can fly away
Oh, she got both feet on the ground And she’s burning it down Oh, she got her head in the clouds And she’s not backing down
This girl is on fire This girl is on fire She’s walking on fire This girl is on fire
Looks like a girl, but she’s a flame So bright, she can burn your eyes Better look the other way You can try but you’ll never forget her name She’s on top of the world Hottest of the hottest girls say
I’m trying hard to get better at posting. Really, I am. I know all of you are waiting around to hear the latest news about my life.
Okay, I know you’re not but let a girl have her moment.
I haven’t done a Thursday Ten in a while. It’s a meme I stole from Sarah quite some time ago. In the interest of time and the fact that it’s Thursday here I go.
1. I love my new job. It’s keeping me busier than I ever imagined which at this point in my life is a good thing. I’ve met some pretty awesome people and I love the fact that I get to utilize the knowledge I have and at the same time learn so much more.
2. My husband has left the state. Even though we aren’t legally divorced I have started the process and consider myself single, however not planning to mingle. I don’t regret my decision but that doesn’t make it any easier. It’s a lot like a death. One minute I’ll be smiling about something and the next minute I’m crying over something stupid. I’m very emotional and I find that I have to count to ten a lot before I react to things going on around me. Self censorship is the rule of the day.
3. Beav tried out for three different lead roles in the school musical, Music Man. He didn’t get one. He doesn’t seem disappointed but I am. There are so many talented kids in his program but I really wish Beav had a moment to shine too. I’m his mom so of course I think he’s talented, but he really is.
4. What really irks me about the above is that I’m such an active parent booster. Where are the parents of the kids that do get the lead roles? I don’t see their asses at the meetings. Why am I working so hard for their kids?
5. Okay I know that was selfish and petty but I needed that moment.
6. Einstein comes home one week from tomorrow. ONE WEEK. I CAN’T WAIT.
7. It’s December 7th. I haven’t bought a tree or decorated except for lights on the house. If I had my way I probably wouldn’t decorate at all. I’m just not feeling it and I don’t have any spare time these days to do anything. However, I am having a holiday open house and it might look odd if I have a holiday party without party decorations. Sigh.
8. I could use about twelve more hours in each day. Just to sleep. Seriously. Remember the days when I couldn’t sleep to save my life? Now I lie down and I’m out before my head hits the pillow. Half the time I don’t even move and I wake in the same exact position. The problem is I wake up still feeling tired. I was going to say I’m a walking zombie but I think zombies have more energy than I do.
9. I need to get back to working out on a regular basis. How many times must I say this to myself before it actually happens??? I keep waiting for things to “die down.” I don’t think that’s going to happen. I think that this is my life right now and I’d better learn to quickly adapt before it kicks my ass. Although I think the ass kicking has already occurred.
10. How on earth did it get to be 10:41? OMG I wanted to be in med by 9:30 tonight. See, this is what I mean. Where does the time go? I need a clone. Or an assistant. Or both. Seriously speaking though I just need to learn to be less frenzied. I really work myself up and it just makes everything that much more difficult. Yes I am busy. And I’m slightly overwhelmed but all I can do is take things a day at a time. I can only change how I react to what’s going on around me. I need that stitched and framed. Maybe then I’ll get it.
It’s been my goal to get back to blogging, however life has been kicking my ass.
I’m not sure where this post is going to go. My emotions are all over the map right now. Today was a rough day. For starters it was my mom’s birthday. On Thanksgiving. Add to that the fact that all of my siblings and my father are in Northern California and I’m here on my own (so to speak) and it makes for a very rough day. Hell, it’s been a rough week.
Life lately has been a whirlwind of activity. My new job, which I love, keeps me super busy. And when you haven’t worked outside the home in a while and you start a regular 9 to 5 gig it really wears you out. I’m also still maintaining one of my businesses and I have two clients signed that I’m working for.
I might have bitten off a bit more than I can chew.
The first month was the hardest and it felt like I was going to have a complete meltdown. I was exhausted and trying too hard to keep up a crazy pace. So now I’m learning to re-prioritize. I’m learning that not all of the meals I make need to be gourmet and I’m learning that it’s okay if my house doesn’t look perfect every night when I go to bed. These are big lessons for me. I’m learning how to balance my work life so that I have time for a regular life. I haven’t quite achieved a total balance yet but it’s a work in progress. I’m slowly starting to integrate working out and training back into my schedule. I’ve no doubt I’ll get to a happy place. It will just take some time.
Trying to handle all of these things is further complicated with ending my marriage and dealing with that fallout. Things have occurred recently that have left me feeling unbelievably hurt and betrayed. I’ve never been one of those people who have let bad experiences taint my ability to love and trust but right now I’m wrestling with huge trust issues. And the optimism I had a few short days ago regarding any possible future relationships is declining at a rapid rate.
Last but certainly not least a family member accused me of heresy on Facebook today.
Some days I truly hate Facebook.
Today is a day for giving thanks and I’m having a hard time with that. However, there are things I am truly thankful for.
My two beautiful children. A stepdaughter that loves me like a mom. Beautiful and loving friends that make me feel cherished and appreciated. A job I love. A beautiful home. The ability to provide for my family.
I’ve cried a lot today. I cried a lot yesterday. Hell I’ve cried a lot in the last month. And I’m sure I’ll cry some more. Ending a marriage is like a death and I’m doing some grieving. Unfortunately I don’t grieve very well. However, part of the battle is recognizing I have an issue with it and I’m trying to be patient with myself.
I really hate feeling the way I’ve been feeling. Depression sucks and it’s not something you can snap out of. I’ve been trying to shake this for a long time. Mostly I miss feeling joy and there are many days I wonder if I’ll ever feel it again.
Tomorrow I’m taking off for the holiday weekend and spending some time in Desert Hot Springs. I am hoping that I can seriously decompress and return home in two days feeling refreshed. I also hope that while I’m gone I can regain some of my positive outlook and optimism.