Lost In The Big City

I’ve been horrible about updating.  Too much crap going on.  But now that I have all this “free” time on my hands <insert sarcastic laugh> I should be able to update more.  I will write another protected post about the crap I was dealt this week, but for now that can wait.

Tomorrow I am off to Arizona to move Einstein out of the NAU dorms for the summer.  I’m not sure what six hours alone on the road with my thoughts will be like, given the past week and a half.  BUT, I do love Arizona’s beauty and I really enjoy being in Flagstaff AND I get to see my baby boy so how can this be a bad thing?  Normally moving him out isn’t too bad.  It gets a little hectic with all the parents moving their kids out at the same time, but at least this year he is on the ground floor.  Last year he was on the sixth floor and trying to catch an elevator was insane.

I also notice that boys are much easier to move out than girls.  Girls have a lot of stuff.  Although I did see one boy move out a 40 something inch television last year.

What is really awesome is that both my boys will be here for Mother’s Day.  I think I am getting better at handling this time of year although I have tough moments.  When the Mother’s Day ads start hitting it gets tough for me and I am definitely feeling a little pain.  However, I know it’s important that I allow my sons to celebrate Mother’s Day with me and I can’t let my grief get in the way.   I can’t help but wonder though if my mom would be disappointed with me right now.

I did start to make plans for Mother’s Day but instead I’m going to let whatever happens happen.   For one day a year I think I can let someone else be in charge.

Well I can try anyway.

Last week I noted my goals for the past week.  I didn’t do a great job achieving all of them, but I was able to cross some of them off my list.  Good thing one of them wasn’t blogging more, ha ha, because I failed at that.

Last week was a killer.  Some issues at work came up as well as issues at home that really distracted me.   I’m hoping that this week is better.  Ah hell, I’m not hoping, I’m optimistic it will be.  Next weekend I plan on taking off and taking a break from social networking while I’m at it. At the beginning of the year I wanted to try to take 24 hours every week off of social networking, but that’s proved to be harder than I thought.  I really need to work on sticking with that.

Here is a review of my list from last week -

Family/Mothering Goals

Finalize details for opportunity drawing for Drama Boosters – order tickets/purchase prize – Only partially done.  I’ve worked on the design, just need final details. 

Make plans to spend weekend with Robert – Saturday or Sunday outing Success!   Yesterday Beav and I spent the day together and then again today.  Lots of fun and some good heart to heart talks. 

Personal Goals

Get back to the gym – at least twice this week – only went once

Exercise for a total of 3x this week – Once, unless you count the twenty minutes I punched the heavy bag out of anger.

Print/organize my group ons (I’ve completely lost track of what I have)  Yay!

Home Management

Start Garden/backyard plans -  Haven’t even started

Put Easter Decorations Away

Go through mail piled up

Plan Meals for two weeks

Business

Start reading The 24-Carrot Manager – Didn’t start

Resign board position with management group/transfer over information – partially done

Family/Mothering Goals

Finalize details for opportunity drawing for Drama Boosters – order tickets/purchase prize

Find ways to encourage Beav and remind him that I’m proud of him

Personal Goals

Get back to the gym – at least twice this week

Exercise for a total of 3x this week

Have a fabulous weekend and escape!

Home Management

Start Garden/backyard plans

Take measurements for coffee table and side table so that my brother can start building

Develop chore list (no more housekeeper)

Go through inbox

Business

Start reading The 24-Carrot Manager

Resign board position with management group/transfer over information

Hoping I can do better this week.  I purposely didn’t plan any evening outings (other than workouts) so that I can catch up on what’s going on around here.  Also, this weekend with Beav has reminded me that I need to spend more time with him.  We’ve been having some issues and I really could have handled some things better so I have to really step it up in that area.  He is going on a fishing trip with hubby this coming weekend and I think they’ll benefit from the time together.

Beav and I did go ice skating today so if you see me limping tomorrow that’s why.  It was fun and a good workout so I guess I could have used that as a workout too.

Hubby and I had to deal with a significant financial stress this week which we weren’t prepared for.  We can handle it, but it will be tough and means that we will be tightening our belt.  A lot!  One of the first things we did was cancel the cleaning lady.  She isn’t a huge expense but it does help.  I’m trying not to freak out about whether or not we can face this challenge, but it’s tough.

I am trying to remind myself that, if anything, it’s a great experience for us in regards to saving money and budgeting.  For so long we lived paycheck to paycheck but for the past year and a half we’ve enjoyed a very nice living.  It’s been fun, I won’t lie, but it’s time to get serious.  I think we’ll be okay.

Although hubby did promise me this bag if I help him through his math class.  I don’t see that happening

Every Sunday I print my weekly calendar.  This helps me keep track of my appointments and meetings for the week.  I also write notes and lists on the calendar of specific things I want to try to accomplish that week.  One of the blogs I just started following also promotes making weekly goals.  I was intrigued by her method.  She posts them on her blog, categorized, and each week reports on her progress and sets new goals.  This blog also has great suggestions on saving money, budgeting time, coupon clipping, etc.  The Money Saving Mom can be found here.

I like this method because even if nobody is reading this, I’m still accountable to myself.  It’s also a nice way to keep track of how things change week to week.

The following are the goals I set last night for the week ahead:

Family/Mothering Goals

Finalize details for opportunity drawing for Drama Boosters – order tickets/purchase prize

Make plans to spend weekend with Robert – Saturday or Sunday outing

Personal Goals

Get back to the gym – at least twice this week

Exercise for a total of 3x this week

Print/organize my group ons (I’ve completely lost track of what I have)

Home Management

Start Garden/backyard plans

Put Easter Decorations Away

Go through mail piled up

Plan Meals for two weeks

Business

Start reading The 24-Carrot Manager

Resign board position with management group/transfer over information

We will see how I do this week.  I’m a big fan of being able to scratch things off my to do list.  I love the feeling of satisfaction it gives me.

I’m just glad that I’m starting to feel normal after being so sick almost all of last week.  I have a lot of my energy back, but I’m still fairly stuffed up.  My ears are still plugged, which is driving me nuts.  I spent most of yesterday afternoon at the day spa and sat in the eucalyptus steam room for as long as I could stand it.  It was the first time in a week I could breathe through my noise.  Felt so good!  I also indulged in a 80 minute massage.  Apparently I was very tight and she worked hard to loosen everything up.  By the time she was done I was a sweaty mess and very sore.  I’m hoping the massage, the steam room, and the sauna works the last of this crud out of me.

Maybe I should have put this on my list of things to do.

Day 3 of this crud.  Last night I ended up in the ER, mostly because my temperature was shooting up and there was so much fluid built up in my head I was having a hard time breathing.  I really just wanted and needed to go to urgent care but the nearest one closed at 8pm and by the time I got there it was too late.  I talked to an advice nurse at my insurance company and they asked me to go to ER because they felt I needed to be seen within an hour.

Needless to say, I didn’t get home until at least five hours later.  UGH

I just have a bad case of the flu paired up with an ear infection.  Good times people, good times.  Naturally when I can’t sleep, I lie here and think.  And everyone knows nothing good comes from thinking too much.  This morning I was thinking about trust. It’s been hard for me to trust people lately. I’ll admit that even though I know she really wasn’t a friend for at least the last twelve months of our friendship, losing the person I thought was my best friend, has left a big void in my life and it has certainly made it hard for me to ever want to count on anyone ever again.  And I don’t really want to be like that.

I think it’s about choices.  And I need to concentrate on making the right ones.

I choose….

to trust (as much as possible) the people in my life that I love and love me back

to shrug off the little things, those things that get under my skin and try to cause a chasm in my relationships

to enjoy each day as it comes

to enjoy those special moments with special people for what they are

to quit asking myself “what if”

to believe that I’m a great mom, wife, friend, and sister

to let go of people and relationships that add toxicity to my life

to quit feeling like I have to explain my choices or decisions to anyone

to allow myself to feel angry when it’s warranted

to not second guess how I feel about something

to be happy, more than I am sad

Right now I am going to choose to get out of bed and shower because sick people don’t smell good

Apparently in order for me to find time to blog I have to be sick….with the worst head cold ever.  Okay, maybe not the worst but it’s been so long since I’ve felt this sick that it is driving me nuts. Plus being home for a day and not being able to do anything is driving me nuts.  I keep thinking about all the things I could get done on my to do list.  For now I’ll have to settle with cleaning all of those Real Housewives episodes off of my DVR.

So far this year has been a crazy one.  Crazy in good ways, crazy in bad ways, but just crazy.  I’ve been working overtime to keep things on an even keel and not get overwhelmed by everything that is going on.  Stress is the last thing I want or need.  Drama is also the last thing I want or need.  To help cope with some of the issues I’ve been seeing my therapist on a semi-regular basis.  I’ve been thinking a lot about the past and about the future.  I think my biggest issue is I hate not knowing what is going to happen.  I’m a planner.  The truth is though that I don’t know what my future is going to bring.  It scares me.  It scares me a lot.  But I find strength in the fact that I am really taking my life one day at a time.  And that’s not something I’m used to doing.  That part is a little exhilarating for me.  Just stepping out in faith, so to speak.

The other thing I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about is compromise.  Compromise versus being happy versus doing what is good for me.  Recently someone said to me that something along the lines that I’ll just do what I want anyway, and it bothered me.  Plus it made me think.

Do I?  I know that there are a lot of times I don’t do what I want.  There are a lot of times I say or behave a certain way because it’s the politically correct thing, or the “right” thing to do.  There are times when I want to react to things in a way that is wrong, but reflective of how I feel. And I zip my lips because I know that it would be wrong to do so.  And there are times I behave the way people expect me to rather than the way I want.

And there are those times when I don’t shut up when I should. When I do get angry and speak before my brain catches up with me.

However, I find myself recently faced with decisions that depending upon my choice will either be what I want or piss off people.  And lately I’m less inclined to do what I don’t want to do because I’m afraid of pissing people off.

But I have a hard time trying to find the line between compromise and my happiness.  I don’t want to be a bitch.  I don’t want to be selfish or difficult.  But I do want to enjoy my life, every moment of it.  I do understand there will be those times and moments when I have to suck it up and do something I don’t want to do.  But again…there’s got to be a line.

I just wish I knew where it was.

here at the Diva house.

Sometimes I like it that way.  Today I had two main things I wanted to get done.  One of them was to go through some pictures that had piled up and frames that needed to be filled with pictures.  I rearranged some things and used a 16 x 20 float frame to do a really cute collage of a bunch of pictures of my boys.

I shared some of the pictures on twitter earlier and thought they would be fun to share here to.

I think I am 20 lbs heavier in this picture.  Seeing the plate of desert in front of me it’s not hard to wonder why:

In case you weren’t sure, I am not a natural redhead…. (I’m front and center)

This is one of my all time favorite pictures of me and my boys:

And there are so many things wrong with my look in this picture I am just shaking my head:

I also finished the other item on my two do list which was working on my budget, I’ll save you the boredom and won’t post that here, ha ha.

Who knows what my Sunday will bring?

OMG, almost two weeks since I’ve posted.

I’ve been busy. Obviously.  Ever since I’ve returned to work life has been a blur.  I’m not complaining, but damn I’m tired.   Last week I had a bit of a meltdown and realized that the only person I had to blame for putting pressure on me to get everything done was, well me.  I don’t HAVE to answer all my emails (three accounts) every night. I DON’T HAVE to read everything on my google reader every day (I follow a bunch of recipe blogs) and I DON’T HAVE to blog every day (two blogs).

The world isn’t going to end if I don’t do all of those things every day.  Also, it’s unrealistic and I don’t want to work all day and come home every night to sit at my laptop.  I want, need,and deserve to get out, have some fun, hang with family and friends.  I’m a better person when I’m able to do those things.

Obviously this means I have to learn to prioritize better.  There are some emails that can’t wait.  There are some responsibilities that need to be tended to.  It’s just a matter of learning how to balance everything while still taking care of myself.  So far my biggest obstacle has been trying to find time to work out.

My goal and intent is to hit the gym at least three mornings a week, before work.  This means I have to get my booty out of bed before 4:30 am.  It’s been tough to do and so far I’ve only done it once.  However if I don’t start doing it soon there won’t be room in my bed for my booty.

I am also looking to other choices so that I can get back to kickboxing or some other type of similar workout. I’ve got a few irons in the fire so to speak and I’m hoping that I can get back on track with that soon.  Sometimes I just feel the need to punch something. Which, I suppose, is better than feeling the need to punch someone.

The biggest news in our home is from Einstein.  As far back as I can remember Einstein has wanted to be in the military.  His father and I were never sure where this came from.  His father was never in the military, but his grandfather, his grandfather’s father, were in the Air Force.

Einstein’s father and I have encouraged this goal with the only stipulation that he go to college first. He is currently a sophomore and in his sixth year of ROTC.  At this point he and the other ROTC cadets apply for EA (enrollment allocation).  This basically means they have a spot in the Air Force when they graduate from college.  Last year they only accepted about 30% of their cadets.  From what I understand there were more selected this year but Einstein was still nervous about it.  I honestly didn’t see how they could not want him.  He really could be a military poster boy.

Today he found out he got his EA.  This means that the day he graduates from college he will be commissioned as a 2nd Lt in the US Air Force.  I suspect that I will be doing a lot of crying that day.

I’m so proud of Einstein.  He set this goal so long ago and has never wavered.  I think that’s pretty impressive for someone who is only twenty-years-old.  I’m 43 and I struggle with this.

Even though he isn’t commissioned until graduation in two years, he will be on the military payroll effective next school year.  He receives a small stipend and will be spending part of his summer in Mississippi and Alabama for a condensed boot camp and the ROTC version of OCS.

I already miss him.

First I’d like to say that right now my sons and hubby are watching Doomsday Preppers.  It’s only a matter of time before I’m posting from some type of underground bunker.  I am convinced that the makers of this television show sent out a call from the weirdest people ever to respond because they are ALL on this show.  One guy had a bunker so many miles away, even though it was nice and stock full of supplies it took so long for him to get there if something did happen they would all be dead before they got there.

On that cheery note….

I’m starting to settle in to the new job.  So far, I love it.  My staff is awesome, my boss is awesome, and I love the company.  The schedule is still kicking my butt a bit but I’m hopeful that soon enough I’ll be settled in to a new schedule.  I’m seriously considering giving up some of my extra curricular activities (board memberships) so that I have more downtime when I’m at home.  Right now I feel this constant pressure to get everything done and I don’t feel that I have the ability to actually relax when I get home and if I take an evening off to do something it’s hard for me to not think about what I’m not getting done.  And that’s just crazy.

Einstein is home all week for spring break and it’s just so wonderful to have him here.  Even just sitting around watching television is a treat for me.  He is waiting to hear back from the Air Force any time and while he is relaxed I am a nervous wreck.  He has spent most of his life working towards this goal and it’s really all he has ever wanted to do.  He’s been told his chances are good and his class has already lost half their cadets due to various issues.  I was shocked at some of the things he told me as far as causes of other cadets having to drop out of the program.   One kid is allergic to brazilian nuts…that was enough to keep him out.

Einstein has never had allergies or any other health issues, so he’s lucky like that.  Occasionally when he eats avocado his tongue tingles but he loves guacamole and deals with it.

I’m just thankful that my family is in a happy place.  Things are really going well and I’m looking forward to hubby leaving his job so that he and I can have some type of normal existence.  We’ve decided that it makes sense for him to stay where he is until my probation period is over.  He doesn’t see himself not working at all so he’s looking at part-time opportunities.  It will be nice to have him home more, especially with me working.  As much as I love cooking and doing all the things I do to take care of my family it’s hard to keep it all up while working.  My job isn’t always “9 to 5″ so it helps when he is home to pick up some of the slack.

The most important thing is that I’m in a happy place.  THANK GOD.