I am woman, hear me whimper

Tomorrow is the BIG day.  It’s what I don’t know that worries me.  At my pre-op visit the doctor advised me that he wasn’t sure I would be able to keep my ovaries.  That brings a whole new bundle of worries.  There are tons of horror stories about hormone replacement therapy and I’m already hearing tales of women that turn into raging bitches after the surgery.

I’m already a bitch now, I can’t imagine my family would want to stick around if I became even worse.

The doctor is also concerned about damage to my bladder.  At this point I’m not sure what will be left of me by this time tomorrow.  I think it’s what I don’t know that worries me more.

My subconscious has been working overtime.  Thursday night I dreamed about four men.  One of them was my hubby and the other three were representatives of my sexual past.  They each represented different ways I’ve experienced my sexuality.  They were all saying goodbye to my sexuality in my dream.  The next night I dreamed that I showed up at a lover’s house in lingerie and he turned me away.  Last night I dreamed I was pregnant.

It’s been exhausting.  I’ve been emotional and yesterday kept crying at the drop of a hat.  I’m trying hard to stay optimistic and I keep reminding myself that after this is over I will feel so much better.

Because seriously, I miss being able to button my pants.

Wish me luck.

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