Archive for September 2011

What is the probability that I succeed?

I’ve been a bad blogger lately.  It’s been a weird couple of weeks.  My emotions have been in high gear and I have no idea why.  To some extent I am still dealing with it.  Maybe I need to spend more time at the dojo…take my frustrations and emotions out on a heavy bag.

I have (finally) made the decision to leave the job I took in August.  To put it simply, I hate it.  I’m not sure why and there are a few possibilities I have considered.  The most likely culprit is that I am having a tough time going from being the boss to being someone’s employee.  Doesn’t that sound horrible?  And egotistical?  I hate even admitting it.  Even though I’m technically an independent contractor with them it’s just not working out.  Not to mention between work and school and with hubby working nights, I’m not getting anything done anywhere else.  In two weeks I start a second nine week class on Tuesdays and Thursdays which will just make things more difficult.  Considering the new class and my overwhelming dislike for the job I gave notice.

And to be honest after seeing how some other things are going there I think I made a good decision.  My last day is Friday.

I have taken on another independent job on the side.

With my former employer.

I’ll just let that sink in for a moment.

My former employer called me to ask if I would help out with an issue.  I can’t go into details because it is possibly a criminal/legal issue but I did start the process before I left and I’m basically the only one that knows where the bodies are buried.  I did agree to do this and have already talked to the management company about when I would spend time in the office doing the necessary research.  At this point it’s probably a good idea to go ahead and get a business license for my consulting business since this is technically my second client.  I just have no idea what will happen once I’m done with this project.  And I’m worried that everything will dry up after this.  But….who knows.

Hubby keeps saying that I just need to work on something I want to do.  I’ve been thinking about that a lot.  I’ve always wanted to have a non-profit.  Something that is community based and helpful to those in need.  I’ve done a ton of volunteer work in the past twenty-two years and I am sure that is where this passion comes from.  Lately I’ve been feeling a real pull to move forward with this.  I don’t want to be specific about the purpose of what I want to create just yet.  I am still doing a lot of research on whether there is a need, objectives, etc.   For now I’m just going to refer to it as the NON-PROFIT.

School, or I should say specifically statistics, is kicking my ass. This is the hardest class I’ve ever had and I’m really struggling to stay on top of it.  I’m really not used to feeling this challenged in school and it is more than a little intimidating.  I pretty much bombed my first exam (I got a C) and am so apprehensive about the next one.  I’ve noticed she’s throwing more quizzes in the mix so I’m starting to wonder if the class, overall, did poorly.  Or maybe I’m the only that totally sucks at it.    Either way I need to bring my A game to the next exam.

Since its Wednesday it is date night and as much as I’d like to continue boring you here….I’ve got to try to look presentable.   Stay tuned for more posts about how completely indecisive I am about my future.  Mid-life crisis anyone?




Last week I posted about an event I had been invited to.  Wine/chocolate pairing to raise awareness for breast cancer.  Wine? Chocolate?  A good cause?  How could I say no?  Plus I was invited by one of my good twitter pals Oakley


It was also being held at one of my favorite places, District Wine. Mark and Angela are the owners and I can’t say enough awesome things about them and their staff.  Here is Mark explaining one of the wines-

There were so many interesting twitter peeps there.  I’m disappointed that I didn’t get to know more of them better, but I did get to sit next the lovely Melissa Keyes, who shared her own story about being a breast cancer survivor.  You can see her story on this page.   We paired four different chocolates with wine and in my case stout (since I’m not a port fan).

The first was my favorite.

Ghirardelli® Intense Dark™ Evening Dream: 60% Cacao.  District Wine’s Pick: Frogmore Creek Iced Riesling, Tasmania. Food – Dried Apricot.   OMG I loved this wine.  I normally shy away from iced wines because they’re sweeter, but this was simply amazing.  I had to buy two bottles.  The apricots really added to the flavor of the wine too.

Second –

Ghirardelli® Intense Dark™ Twilight Delight : 72% Cacao. District Wine’s Pick: Taft Street Zinfandel, Russian River Valley.  It was suggested that this wine could be paired with raspberries but Oakley forgot them.  (That’s ok, we love her anyway).  I am normally a pretty intense wine drinker.  The bolder, the drier, the better.  This was pretty dry and I would enjoy this on a cold day with perhaps a nice roast, but on a warm summer day, not so much.  It wasn’t horrible and I would drink it again, but just not on a hot day. The wine did taste yummy with the chocolate though.

Third – Ghirardelli® Intense Dark™ Midnight Reverie: 86%. District Wine’s Pick: Layer Cake Malbec, Argentina Food: Nuts and cheese, especially parmesan. [Oakley’s note: Try prosciutto.]  If you’re a Malbec fan and haven’t tried the Layer Cake, you are missing out.  It is one of the wines I frequently order by the glass when I’m at District Wine.  Simply delicious.  The parmesan was a huge hit and in fact we had to request extra because someone at our table had already started eating it (okay it was me, but I was hungry).

Fourth –

Ghirardelli® Intense Dark™ Toffee Interlude: Toffee bits and caramelized almonds.  District Wine’s Pick: Taylor Fladgate 20 Years Tawny, Portugal, OR Old Rasputin Russian Imperial Stout. Food:  Marshmallows . [Oakley’s note: Try bacon. I’m serious.]  First off, TOFFEE!!!   My favorite candy.  I’m not a port fan so I requested the stout and was not dissapointed.  Chocolate toffee and stout is a winning combination.  And then there were the marshmallows.  Oakley bought them at Fresh & Easy.  They’re called Plush Puffs Vanilla Beans Marshmallows.  WOW.  We had to request more of those too.  But this time it wasn’t my fault.  Annette just couldn’t help herself :) .

What a fabulous afternoon.  I was able to enjoy some great chocolates, delicious wine, raise awareness for breast cancer, AND meet some new wonderful women.

Suggestions for the food and wine pairings came from Thirsty Girl.  If you’re interested in hosting your own pairing party check out this website for more information.

Pictures from the event were taken by Jennifer and can be found on here.

Here are a few random pics I took. 

mmmmm, the marshmallows

Thanks again Oakley!


While all of my links are working, some of the words aren’t highlighted.  I’m working on this issue.

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I want to fight for my right to…..

One of the blogs I read regularly is StayAtHomeBabe.  Every Sunday she does a 5 minute Stream of Consciousness Sunday post.  I’ve been thinking of giving it a try and today seems like as good of a time as any.

Tonight hubby starts working nights.  I’m a bit apprehensive about how it’s going to go and what changes it means for Beav and me.  Family dinners have always been so important to me, but for now it will just be Beav and me, and that’s okay.  My plan is to make dinner as usual and pack it in a lunch for the hubby to take to work.  Today I supplied him with a sleep mask, ear plugs, and melatonin.  Let’s hope it goes well.

On the plus side I get to spend some more one on one time with Beav and I think that will be pretty awesome.  I’m looking forward to hanging out with him more.

Last night I went to our semi-annual fight night at the dojo.  All of the fights were excellent and it’s always fun to hang out with my dojo peeps.  This is the second fight that I haven’t participated in since my fight and this time I didn’t feel that pang of ‘I wish I were fighting.”  A few people asked if I would consider it again and I’m just really not sure.  On one hand I loved what all that training does to my body and muscle tone but on the other hand it is a LOT of training.  Six to seven days a week and when I trained for my fight my entire life was work or dojo for about four to six weeks.  It’s pretty exhausting.

The next fight night is six months away so I have some time to think about it.  We’ll see what happens.  For now, I’m just enjoying getting back to a regular training routine.

This was my 5 minute Stream of Consciousness Sunday post. It’s five minutes of your time and a brain dump. Want to try it? Here are the rules…

  • Set a timer and write for 5 minutes only.
  • Write an intro to the post if you want but don’t edit the post. No proofreading or spellchecking. This is writing in the raw.
  • Publish it somewhere. Anywhere.

In the middle of the night

It’s not cool to talk about God, or your faith, or that you go to church….is it?

Maybe it’s just me, but I see a definite trend on twitter and facebook that mocks/ridicules people of faith.  And I understand part of this.  There are fanatics and judgmental people, IN ALL ARENAS, that are trying to represent Christianity, but they don’t represent me.

I’ve talked about my faith before.  I was raised in church.  Full blown Pentecostal church.  My father was a children’s pastor.  I practically grew up in church.  And I do consider myself a Christian because for me it’s all about the personal relationship I have with God.  I go to church, although not as often as I’d like, and I try to live the way I feel I should.  Are there things in my life that God probably would have an issue with.  Yes.  Would God have an issue with certain aspects of my lifestyle.  Yes.

This doesn’t make me a bad person.  I am imperfect.  There are those that would say because of those things I’m not a Christian.  But….that’s not their call to make.

The reason I bring this up is because I’ve been recently I’ve been trying to attend church more.  I really do enjoy our pastor’s sermons and the fellowship with others is always nice.  I think for a long time that because I’m not “perfect” I didn’t feel I deserved to be at church.  This is a bit ironic because really that is why I should be there.  In a way, I’ve been dipping my toe in the water.

However the other night I found myself in a rough place.  I was very concerned about someone I love and care about.  Concerned to the point that I was worried harm could come to this person or this person’s family, or members of this person’s family (I’m trying to be vague sorry).   I was lying in bed and thinking about it and I found myself praying.  And you know what?  It felt good.  It brought me peace.

It’s the first time I’ve prayed in a long time.  And I mean really pray.  Not “please God, I hope that cop isn’t going to give me a ticket” kind of prayer :) .  There was a time I prayed a lot.  I kept a list of people I prayed for in my Bible.  I took it seriously.  And then I stopped.

When my mom died I stopped.  I stopped believing that God could be in charge of anything.  I felt God caused the pain I was feeling by taking my mom away.  Surely if God cared about me and my siblings, my mom would still be here.

Over three years later this still makes me cry.  Ugh.

To some extent, I still am angry at God. And that’s okay.

Some people would call me silly or stupid for believing that there is a God.  But I do.  And all I ask is that others respect that.  I respect the rights of people who don’t believe what I believe.  I don’t call them stupid or foolish.  I don’t judge them or tell them they’re making a mistake.  I don’t preach or lecture.

I just know that if something brings me peace…..and it doesn’t cause harm to anyone around me, well then, I’m going to keep doing it.



Off we go…

I kind of cringed when I signed onto my google reader today.  Was concerned about the number of 9/11 posts there would be.  However, I was pleasantly surprised.  Only a few, and the ones I read were very well written.  It’s not that I didn’t want to read about it. I just think everyone tends to overdo it a bit.  I don’t need a reminder.  I think about that day everyday.

We are starting to slowly settle down into a schedule here in the Diva Household.  I’m learning to appreciate my new job and I’m also realizing that with or without the job, there would never be enough time to get everything done.  Hubby starts his new night hours this coming Sunday and that will be a challenge, but we’re confident we will find away to adapt.  After all, we really don’t have much choice do we?

Beav is back at school.  I’m trying to be optimistic about this school year, but I admit it’s difficult.  His homework coach is working with him again this year, so I’m hoping that starting him off that way will help set up good habits for the year.  Of course I made the mistake of checking school loop and according to that he’s already missing two assignments.  Perhaps, it’s an oversight?  I’ll find out soon enough when he gets home.  Normally the homework coach helps with this stuff but I want to stay on top of it too.

Plus, I’m procrastinating doing my own homework.  Apple fall far from the tree anyone?

On Wednesday I have my first stats exam and I have worked myself into a frenzy about it.  Sometimes I feel like I understand what is being taught and other times I feel like I have no idea what the heck the instructor is talking about.  Never mind, she’s 29 and has her doctorate.  I’m 43 and finishing up my sophomore year in college.

Next on my to do list is getting back to a regular work out schedule. It’s seriously fallen through the cracks and I feel like a big fat slob.  And I’m up ten pounds since the beginning of the year and that just isn’t acceptable.

Besides, I need to lose weight before I see a doctor about having a tummy tuck.

But I’ll talk more about that later :)

Happy Birthday to me

In case you missed it last Saturday was my birthday.  It’ okay, I am sure your gift is on its way.  Hubby and I were tossing around ideas about what to do on my birthday.  His plan was flying to Catalina for the day.

A couple of problems with that – I don’t like small planes and I’m not a big fan of Catalina Island.  It’s ok, but I didn’t think it was birthday worthy.

Palm Springs is one of my favorite places.  I will admit that this time of year, it’s hot, but it was still my first choice.  My goal was to spend the holiday weekend lying by a pool with a drink in my hand and maybe booking a massage.  I got a killer deal on Priceline so on Saturday we headed out.   It was hot, but the pool was awesome and the massage was great.  The only downside was getting sick on Sunday evening.  Sore throat, headache, congestion – couldn’t figure if I was sick or just having a severe allergy attack. The massage probably exacerbated things but it was worth it.

Overall it was a great birthday and I am thankful to my family for making sure it was a wonderful weekend.

Started the drive with a special cookie from hubby

Birthday dinner is off to a good start

This is my birthday gift from hubby.  It’s a Tiffany ring.  Tricky hubby hid it in a box that held a children’s donald duck ring.

Blowing out the birthday candle

Beav wishing me a Happy Birthday

And a really horrible picture of hubby and

So far, 43 isn’t bad :)


Yesterday I found out a high school classmate passed away from cancer.  He wasn’t the first of my classmates to pass away.  And he wasn’t someone I really knew well.  But it made me really think.

I graduated from high school twenty-five years ago.  (Yes, I know, I’m old).  I would assume most high school graduates are/were like I was.  Hopeful and excited about the future.  I am sure nobody was thinking…I’ll be dead in twenty-five years from cancer.

As I said I don’t know a lot about this person.  I don’t know if he married, had children, what his career was…..  but I wonder – did he have a chance to really live?

As adults we all have responsibilities.  Jobs, families, children, parents, spouses, commitments, PTA…the list is endless.  It often feels as if I’m a hamster on a wheel, going around and around and around.   We get so busy that I have to wonder, do we, do I, make time to be happy?

Lately I’ve been working on that.  I admit that at times it’s hard to do – live the life I want, be happy – without feeling selfish about it.  I’m not sure why that is?  Why do we feel selfish if we are doing things that make us happy?   Why do I feel so guilty if I can’t be everything to everyone all the time?  I shouldn’t feel guilty.  Because if I’m everything to everyone all the time, when am I good to me?

People that know me well might take an exception to this.  I have a good life.  I am able to buy the things I need and/or want.  I go out to dinners with girlfriends.  I get to travel.  I get massages and time to myself.  So why on earth would I feel as if I’m not taking time for me.  And that’s not my issue.  My issue is that in order to do those things I completely run myself ragged trying to do everything else.  Those dinners with girlfriends – I’m up at 5am prepping dinner so that hubby can cook it later.  That’s just one example of what I do.

I’ve made significant changes in my life.  My hubby and I have worked hard to make significant changes to our relationships both with each other and with our children.  And you know what – we’re really happy.

I wake up each day with a smile on my face.  And each day I worry less about who I might offend or upset because I can’t do what they want to make them happy.   Don’t get me wrong, I have bad days.  I have moments when my feelings are hurt because someone has let me down.  That’s just life.  But the difference is that I’ve given myself permission to let those things go.  I’ve also given myself permission to not go that extra mile for someone who a)doesn’t appreciate it or b)isn’t thoughtful of me in the same way.

My life is a gift.  Each breath is a gift.  Each day I wake up is a gift.  I want to spend my time with the people I love and love me back.  I want to spend less time worrying about what might happen and enjoy what is happening.

Are you enjoying your life?  Or are you just that hamster…….

No Wheel For Me

I’ve been back at work for a week and I’m already considering quitting.  Yes, I know that last week I kept saying that I would give it some time but I can’t help but continue to feel panic that I just don’t have enough time for the rest of my life.  Given last night’s post it’s been really on my mind.  Am I happy?

I will agree that it’s too soon to really make a decision based on my happiness.  Perhaps, given some time, I could find fulfilment in this job.  Right now though all I can think about is what I’m giving up.  And I’m giving up being a stay at home mom and wife and as much as I hate to admit it, I love being that person.

I love being here when Beav gets home from school.  I love being here when hubby gets home from work.  I love being home to cook dinner, whether I’m going to be here for dinner.  I love doing the laundry ( well, I don’t LOVE it), but when push comes to shove, I love taking care of my family.

But then comes the guilt.  My boss is a friend and she got me the job.  Leaving so quickly…doesn’t make her look good.  I’m lucky to have a job in this economy. What if hubby loses his job again?

However, I can’t live my life based on ifs.  And once again I’m sitting here looking at my priorities.




The top three does not include my career.  I do have financial goals and in looking at my budget  there is about $1000 that I need to make up every month, however, I could make changes to our budget.  There is lots of “wiggle” room.

There are two other things that weigh heavily on my mind.  I want to work on me a bit more.  More working out, getting back in shape.  Again….sounds selfish, but it’s super important to me that I have a healthy lifestyle.

The second thing is Beav.   I’m already struggling with the school regarding his ADHD and school hasn’t even started yet.  I’d like to be more of a presence at the school.  Give more of my time to the program he’s enrolled in.  I don’t want to be a pain in the butt parent, but I’d like to be there.  I don’t want to be the parent that’s just complaining.  I want to be the parent that is involved.  There is a difference.

With hubby switching to nights next week I want to be home when he’s home.  We’ve worked so hard on our relationship and have scratched and kicked our way to where we are.  Investing time in each other has been vital to that.  He and I had such a long talk about this on Friday night.  We were both trying to figure out why I feel so much pressure to DO EVERYTHING?  It’s something I put on myself.  He certainly doesn’t make me feel that way.  Seriously speaking the lists of things to do that I create for myself are not only endless but impossible to achieve.  I have no idea why I put this much pressure on myself.  Perhaps a few more sessions with my shrink are in order so that I can solve this mystery?

At this point I’m not sure what I’ll do.  I hate being indecisive and at this point it’s a battle between my head and my heart.

The heart is winning.