No Wheel For Me

I’ve been back at work for a week and I’m already considering quitting.  Yes, I know that last week I kept saying that I would give it some time but I can’t help but continue to feel panic that I just don’t have enough time for the rest of my life.  Given last night’s post it’s been really on my mind.  Am I happy?

I will agree that it’s too soon to really make a decision based on my happiness.  Perhaps, given some time, I could find fulfilment in this job.  Right now though all I can think about is what I’m giving up.  And I’m giving up being a stay at home mom and wife and as much as I hate to admit it, I love being that person.

I love being here when Beav gets home from school.  I love being here when hubby gets home from work.  I love being home to cook dinner, whether I’m going to be here for dinner.  I love doing the laundry ( well, I don’t LOVE it), but when push comes to shove, I love taking care of my family.

But then comes the guilt.  My boss is a friend and she got me the job.  Leaving so quickly…doesn’t make her look good.  I’m lucky to have a job in this economy. What if hubby loses his job again?

However, I can’t live my life based on ifs.  And once again I’m sitting here looking at my priorities.

Family

School

Friends

The top three does not include my career.  I do have financial goals and in looking at my budget  there is about $1000 that I need to make up every month, however, I could make changes to our budget.  There is lots of “wiggle” room.

There are two other things that weigh heavily on my mind.  I want to work on me a bit more.  More working out, getting back in shape.  Again….sounds selfish, but it’s super important to me that I have a healthy lifestyle.

The second thing is Beav.   I’m already struggling with the school regarding his ADHD and school hasn’t even started yet.  I’d like to be more of a presence at the school.  Give more of my time to the program he’s enrolled in.  I don’t want to be a pain in the butt parent, but I’d like to be there.  I don’t want to be the parent that’s just complaining.  I want to be the parent that is involved.  There is a difference.

With hubby switching to nights next week I want to be home when he’s home.  We’ve worked so hard on our relationship and have scratched and kicked our way to where we are.  Investing time in each other has been vital to that.  He and I had such a long talk about this on Friday night.  We were both trying to figure out why I feel so much pressure to DO EVERYTHING?  It’s something I put on myself.  He certainly doesn’t make me feel that way.  Seriously speaking the lists of things to do that I create for myself are not only endless but impossible to achieve.  I have no idea why I put this much pressure on myself.  Perhaps a few more sessions with my shrink are in order so that I can solve this mystery?

At this point I’m not sure what I’ll do.  I hate being indecisive and at this point it’s a battle between my head and my heart.

The heart is winning.

 

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