Archive for January 2012

Sometimes love does hurt

Last week sucked.

Monday night I had a total meltdown.  I’ve been carrying a lot of crap around inside and something small set me off.  Tuesday was just as hard and brought about some painful conversations.  By Tuesday night I was starting to feel better.  I was starting to feel like I had a handle on things.  Then I woke up Wednesday morning at 3am in a lot of pain.  Mostly abdominal.  After about 45 minutes I game up trying to go back to sleep, got up and did some things around the house.  I made it through my work out and headed off to school but I just gradually began to feel worse.  I ended up leaving school early, coming home and going to bed.

The next day I still felt pretty crappy.  The pain had moved to my side and between being nauseous and dizzy I was losing the battle so off to the doctor I went. Naturally he couldn’t figure out what was wrong and wanted me to undergo every test under the sun.

Somehow though I just knew it was the stress of everything that had been going on.  The acupuncturist made a good point – that my body holds onto the stress and when I let go, I feel better emotionally but now my body has to let go of it…and that’s when I have a problem.

Everyday I feel a little better.  But it took me listening to my body.  I slept a lot, didn’t work out, and moved at a slower pace for a few days.  It did me a world of good.

I don’t enjoy being stressed out.  I don’t enjoy being unhappy.  I know people who do enjoy feeling that way and I just don’t get it.  Personally I think it just takes too much energy to feel miserable all the time.  Plus…who wants to spend time with anyone like that?

Unfortunately there are times when stress and any unhappiness that comes with it just can’t be avoided.  I’m glad, that for the most part, I feel like I can move on from it.  I spent a lot of time with friends during the past week and weekend and they really helped me put some perspective on things.  Especially in regards to losing someone who I thought was my best friend…only to find out that she really wasn’t.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again…I’m a horrible judge of character.

I trust a little less now.  Not because I feel hurt but because obviously I trust the wrong people.  However, I’m not one for walking around thinking that now everyone is out to hurt me.  I refuse to believe that about the people I care about.  There’s no point in having close relationships with others if you’re always wondering when they’re going to stab you in the back.  Caring about others opens you up to being hurt.  That is part of the deal.  I’m okay with that…and I’m a better person because of it.

I’ve made more mistakes than I can count upon my fingertips

It has been a really busy week.  A little bad, but mostly good.  Keeping my schedule is challenging at times but it’s definitely been worth it.  I really feel like I’m staying on top of things, being productive, and enjoying my down time more.  It also helps me with being more flexible.  Things come up that screw with the schedule and I’ve been good about going with the flow.  This has always been a challenging area for me so I’m glad that I’ve improved in this area.

Because of some personal things going on my stress level has been a bit crazy and it’s taking a physical toll on me.  It’s not the stress as much as it’s the anger.  INTENSE ANGER that I have no idea what to do with.  I know that in time it will go away but there are some days and moments when it’s overwhelming and I feel that I could do some serious physical harm to someone.  I suppose that’s better than wanting to do physical harm to myself :) .  There are some people who enjoy being angry and upset all the time.  They thrive on it.  I’m not one of them.  I enjoy being happy.  Smiling is much more attractive than scowling.  And much less exhausting.

I’m still working on finding a job.  Hubby’s hours are changing and effective next month he’ll be home in the evenings. This should help a lot as far as trying to have some kind of normal life.  Of course in this case the word normal is subjective.  It’s hard knowing that everything is up in the air when only a few short months ago I thought I had it all figured out.  I’m learning to take things one day at a time.  This is also challenging for me but I haven’t started freaking out yet.

I hate how vague I have to be here but I really have no choice.  The issues I am facing right now are intensely personal and, for some, can be incendiary and right now I don’t need to deal with the reactions of others.

The week ahead should be a good one.  My first anatomy quiz is tomorrow as well as my first critique in my critical thinking class is due.  On Tuesday I have something fun planned…can’t discuss it here because it’s part of a gift I’m giving.  Next weekend I’m having brunch on Sunday with a good friend and am hoping to have some time with another girlfriend on Saturday.

Looking forward to the week ahead.

Title taken from Jann Arden’s “Never Give Up On Me”

It’s Not That Hard to be Nice

A little over a year ago I discovered this awesome chick on twitter and quickly became a fan of herblog.  When I saw today’s post directing me to the Mom Pledge I heeded the call.

Bullying and more importantly the effects of bullying resonates with me.  I don’t really remember being bullied as a child or teen, although I’m sure there were tough times, but I see Beav deal with it constantly.  Do you know that bullying is one of the most common causes of suicide among teenagers?  That completely breaks my heart.

This pledge also resonated with me because recently I’ve had to deal with some horrible gossip and untruths that someone I thought I could trust has been sharing about me.  This person isn’t a mom, but I don’t think that matters.  How we, as women, treat each other COUNTS.  Our children are watching.  In the past several years I’ve seen too many women tear each other down.  I’ve seen moms “compete” as to who is a better parent, whose child is more successful, I even see moms compete as to who IS MORE BUSY???  That is just crazy.

So please check out this page and take the pledge.  We all can benefit from always striving to be a better person.

Where did I come from?

This past week I’ve done pretty well with my effort at time management.  It wasn’t perfect, but I’m happy with my efforts this week.  It really left the weekend free and open for me to do what I want without pressure of feeling like I have to get something done.  So………

Adhere to a schedule – check

Enjoy my downtime – check

I also started working on our family tree.  I’m so addicted to the website and I must admit addicted is the understatement of the year.  The whole process is so fascinating and I’m learning so much about my family.  Finding information on my mother’s side is proving to be a bit difficult.  I did recently find out that my great-aunt, whom I’ve met and frequently saw as a child, is still living and is a few hours away.  I’ve been able to find her phone number and I’m planning to contact her and hopefully arrange a visit.  She is 85-years-old and I’m really hoping that she remembers me and can help provide some family history.

Last night while I was at my dad’s he gave me a bunch of old family pictures.  I pretty much have all of my maternal grandmother’s albums so I’m really hoping I can put some faces to the names.   I’m looking forward to scanning them and putting them up on the website.

Work on our family tree…check

The other day I had a job interview.  I think it went really well and I have very mixed feelings about it.  I’m not going to say much more because I don’t want to jinx it.  To work or not to work is the biggest challenge I’m facing right now.

Okay it isn’t the biggest.  I’m doing very well, personally, mentally, but emotionally I have shaky moments.  Or I guess I should say shaky days.  Today is one of them.  I cry easily which I hate.  I have bad dreams that keep me awake.  I’m working on these issues but it’s a slow process. I’m not the most patient person in the world.  I guess it’s as good time as any to learn that lesson.

Hoping next week is better.

I’m not ready to make nice I’m not ready to back down I’m still mad as hell and I don’t have time To go round and round and round

My first day of spring semester kicked my butt.  It’s been a long time since I’ve spent all day at school.  When I arrived home last night around 5:30 I was really feeling my age and asking myself “why am I doing this again?”  Oh yeah, cuz I love it.

I’m actually excited about my anatomy and physiology class.  I decided to take this class, even though I didn’t have to, because I think it would help me if I decide to get my coding certification.  I’m a little less excited about my critical thinking class mostly because there is a lot of writing and if you’ve been reading my blog for a while it’s obvious I’m not a great writer.  What does it say about me that I’m excited we already have a school holiday next Monday?

Even though I’m back in school I am still actively looking for a job.  If I am offered something worth my while I will drop my classes and go back to work.  I can try alternative educational methods rather than traditional classes to get my degree.  The weird thing about this situation is that normally I’m an “either or” kind of person.  It’s not like me to take a sit back and see what happens attitude.  I find it to be a bit refreshing.   I don’t feel uptight or worried about what will happen I just feel that what’s meant to be is meant to be.


I think it helps that over the weekend I let go of some things.  I just had to.  Other issues have come up in my life that won’t be resolved anytime soon and it was time to shift gears and focus on what I could change or handle.  And that’s really all I want to say about that.

Except in the past few days I’ve discovered that there is just no reasoning with crazy and some people are just plain crazy.

Title from Dixie Chicks “Not Ready To Make Nice”

What is that noise….it’s the sweet sound of silence

Tomorrow my winter break ends and my spring semester starts.  Three classes this semester, including a lab, will defintely be keeping me busy.  Monday is the worst day.   All three classes in one day keeps me at school from 9:30 until 5pm.  I am really a student now :)

Einstein is home for one more week and I’m looking forward to the extra time with him.  Tuesday  we have an archery lesson scheduled which should be a lot of fun.  We used to take archery lessons together when we first moved to Long Beach and we both enjoyed it but stopped doing it for a variety of reasons.  A while ago I bought a groupon for archery lessons and thought it was a great opportunity get back into it.

I love groupon for that reason.  More fun stuff on tap for me this year includes horseback riding and more cooking classes.  Time to get started on those resolutions.

On Friday I did something that I’ve never done before.  I took 24 hours for me.  I put the phone on silent, used a groupon I had to stay in a hotel, got a massage and spent a ridiculous amount of time in bed.  I didn’t worry about what wasn’t getting done.  I didn’t check Facebook or Twitter.  I just indulged in some quality time doing what I wanted to do.  And it was possibly the best 24 hours I have had in a very long time.

I am blessed to be able to get away and visit family and friends, but even then I’m not really “relaxing.”  Although I admit I am having a lot of fun.  It’s hard to explain but I just needed some “quiet” time.   I feel horribly guilty for admitting this.  I suppose for some reason I don’t feel justified in needing this time.  I’m not really going to spend a lot of time evaluating why I feel like this.  I am seriously considering doing this at least one every two months.  A personal tune-up so to speak.  However it is a way of being successful with one of my resolutions – relaxing.

It seems very indulgent.  There goes the guilt again.


Whether you’re late for church or you’re stuck in jail Hey words gonna get around Everybody dies famous in a small town

Blogging before bed seems to becoming a habit, well I’ve done it three times, but still that counts for something.

Tomorrow I return home to the LBC.  I’ve been in Northern California since Saturday and I’m finding it very hard to get on the plane tomorrow.  In fact if it wasn’t for the fact that Beav is in school and there are a few people near and dear to my heart I probably wouldn’t.  Tonight I mentioned to a friend that I’m a different person when I’m at home.   And I am.  I’m more relaxed, more comfortable in my own skin.  I suppose the easiest way to say it is that I feel that I belong.  I love cities, but would rather visit than live in one.   I’m happiest in an environment where I can walk outside and not see tall buildings.  I prefer looking outside my window and seeing trees, fields, animals….and not the inside of my neighbor’s house.  I love taking Sunday drives on back roads.

You get the idea.

When I moved almost ten years ago I felt it was time to go.  The downside, and there is more than one, of a small town is that EVERYONE knows you and your business.  At times that can be comforting but it can also be limiting.  When people know you to be a certain way it’s impossible to try to change.  And when I left I needed to change.  It was time to grow and I was having a hard time with the people around me actually letting me do that.

But now I find myself needing that familiarity.   Right now I crave that ability to exhale slowly.  The last two times I’ve been here I’ve had a hard time returning to the LBC.  I have a feeling it’s just going to get harder.

Eventually I’m going to have to figure out what to do about that.

Title from Miranda Lambert’s “Famous In A Small Town”

2012 Resolutions

I originally started this post in the early morning of 1/1/2012.

I am a half hour into 2012 and I can’t help but find myself reflecting on the past year and what I hope to change and/or accomplish in the next twelve months.

I’ve never been a big fan of resolutions.  Isn’t the joke that they are made to be broken?   But I can’t deny there are things that I must resolve to accomplish.

Overall 2011 wasn’t a bad year.  I quit my job, went back to school, traveled to Europe…just to name a few things.  However, the last month of 2011 sucked in so many ways.   My best friend quit speaking to me, new issues with Beav came up, and events that have only recently occurred in the past few days have caused me to wonder where life is going to take me next.

A few short months ago I would have told you that I was happier than I’ve ever been.  I would have told you that I was in a place of light and love and I was often overwhelmed by my new ability to love others more easily.  I was in a place where I trusted others.  Unfortunately now I find myself in a different place and I’m not sure what is going to happen next.

I’ve always prided myself on being brutally honest in my blog.  I’ve always been willing to share the ugly truth and have never tried to blog in a way that makes my life (or me) look any different than it really is.  However, there have been events that have occurred in my life during the past year and specifically the past week that I can’t discuss here.  I hope that any readers understand and respect this limitation.

What does any of this really have to do with resolutions?  Not a lot I guess except that depending on what life has in store for me some of these resolutions might be impossible if not unrealistic.

So here goes –

The first two will seem a little bit contradictory but just hang in there.

Adhere to a schedule – since leaving my job and returning to school you would think I would have more time to get things done.  However, it seems like I never do.  I have a list a mile long of things I want to do or take care of and I never make a dent in it.  I think this is because I have not been good at time management.   This week I sat down and worked out a schedule that included time for homework, time to exercise, time to work on some of my goals, etc.  It’s fairly structured but I do well with structure.  I’m hoping this helps me accomplish a lot this year.

Enjoy my downtime – I always feel like I’m playing catch up.  If I can stick with my first resolution then I should be able to enjoy the time I haven’t scheduled.  With the exception of kickboxing I’ve left my weekends and evenings free to just relax and enjoy time with my family, loved ones, and friends.

Complete Projects – There are some projects that I’ve wanted to take care of involving my home and my family that are always on the back burner.  Three specific ones I want to tackle and take care of in the first six months of the year:

  1.  Work on our family tree
  2. Create a recipe database for all of my recipes that I’ve collected and accumulated.
  3. Organize the chaos contained in the boxes under my desk (this is all work related material I brought home when I left my job, still in boxes.  FOUR OF THEM).
  4. Organize the china – three boxes of three different patterns, enough said.

Get my Nonprofit up and running – I haven’t discussed here what this is about.  Planning on spending the first few months of the year doing research and background on my concept.  Would like to see me obtain nonprofit status by this time next year.

Travel – Last summer I took advantage of my downtime and took a road trip to Canada.  This year I would like to do more of the same, including weekend trips to cities I want to see again such as Portland and Seattle.

Stay in School – Even if I end up going back to work I want to be sure I don’t quit school.  Even if it means I take one night, weekend, or online class a semester I want to keep at it.  By this time next year I should have transferred to a four year university.

Learn/try new things – Maybe not new, maybe I should relabel this as revisit.  On the agenda – cooking classes, horseback riding, archery.

Continue to be a good friend– More lunches, dinners, and thoughtful gestures.

Get back to volunteering – I miss volunteer work.  I would like to be active again in a volunteer based organization.

This is just a short list of what I want to accomplish this year.  I’m sure I’ll add more to it.  I think it’s a good start.