Archive for October 2014

I never liked reading the same book twice anyway

Some of my good friends are aware of the following fact:

I am still married to my husband.

We haven’t lived together in almost two years and we live completely separate lives.  A lot of people have different opinions about this and trust me I’ve heard them all.  The reality is that the only people that require and deserve an explanation are myself, my husband, and my boyfriend.   Other than that I could care less about what people think.

The inability to end my marriage stems from a lot of things but mostly it stems from my needing to know that my marriage was really over.   I am sure that to many people on the outside it would appear as if I’ve answered that question if I am in another relationship.  Feelings, however, are not as cut and dried like that.

Last month I went to visit my husband.  It was the first time we’ve seen each other since November 2012.   I had no idea what to expect and I was so nervous which seems funny to me now.  My husband was my best friend before and during our marriage and we were able to slip into those roles quite easily once we saw each other.   The rest of the weekend was nice.  We watched television, laughed, talked, and caught up on each other’s lives.  He showed me around his island home and it was quite obvious that we was happy there.  And it was more than obvious that I didn’t belong there at all.

And if you think that didn’t break my heart completely, you would be wrong.   I had never properly mourned the end of my marriage and I only started to do so last month.  I wish I could say that I came back home feeling peace about our decision, but I didn’t.  I came home feeling completely broken.   And even though my head could see all the reasons why we had made the right decision, my heart just could not come to terms with it.

It’s been a month since my visit and the hurt is slowly abating.   I suppose a lot of people when dealing with this kind of heartache would quit sharing their heart at all. But what I’ve learned is that by letting go I am learning to open my heart even more.  I didn’t realize how much of my heart I was holding back from K until I started letting go.

I read this today and then I read it again, and again, and again.

“You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.” ~Unknown

I assumed that at the end of the weekend I would magically feel that door close.  But closure isn’t going to happen like that for me.   I’m not sure when or if it will completely happen and I’m strangely okay with that.   It would have been so much easier if my marriage ended because we don’t love each other any longer.  But we do.  And for that I’m thankful.

The papers are drawn up, minus a few finishing touches and I’ll be filing for divorce.   It’s time.   And even though so many people had different opinions and thought on how I was handling things, I needed to do what was right for me.  On my timetable.

As a final thought I need to acknowledge my boyfriend’s willingness to let me work this out the way I needed to.   He loves me enough to be willing to let me go and that’s a pretty rare kind of love.

I don’t know what the next chapter of my life is going to bring, but it’s time to turn the page.