I don’t know if I’m scared of dying, but I’m scared of living too fast, too slow

I’ve been struggling with some things lately.  Consequently I’ve been very unhappy.  It seems as if during the past couple of years I’ve been in this cycle where I know what I want to do and what I want to accomplish but I lack the motivation to get it done or if it’s something unpleasant I just don’t want to deal with it at all. I keep pushing some things off to the point where I now lie in bed every night unable to sleep just thinking about them.


"If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or objects." ~ Albert Einstein #quote:

The biggest problem is I start assuming what it will take for me to get to the place that I want to be at and when I sit down and really think about it I realize that I haven’t been practical at all and then everything seems impossible so I just throw my arms up in the air and give up.

Does any of what I just wrote even make sense?

Tonight I sat down with my “thought’s journal.”  What’s a “thought’s journal” you might ask? It’s where I just write whatever is in my head down.  Self reflections, pro/con lists, ideas, plans, goals, and the occasional doodle.  Anyway I sat down with my journal and wrote out pencil on paper exactly where I am in my life: career, finances, personal growth, etc and where I wanted to be.  Then I started to write out how to get from where I am to where I want to be.  And I realized that I’ve been harboring a LOT of unrealistic expectations.  I went back to the drawing board and developed a realistic plan that isn’t at all what I’ve been dreaming about in my head. And once I got over the disappointment of it I did feel better.

I always feel better if I have a plan.

I also forced myself to accept that some of the unhappiness I’m experiencing is my own fault.  Even though I can’t control some of the circumstances that are causing me issues I can control how I respond to it. And I haven’t been responding very well.  That’s on me.

I feel very burned out at work. I don’t think the entire blame can be placed on where I work but rather more of what I do.  I’ve been in my field for over half my life.  (Damn I’m old) I’m good at what I do but what I haven’t been doing is improving my skills. I haven’t been doing anything to improve my abilities and be better at what I do.  And that’s on me too. So…tonight I went ahead and applied to the local community college.  I need to finish my degree (finally).  I have no idea how many credits I have and I suspect I only need one class to transfer.  It will probably take at least a semester for PCC to wade through the years of credits I have and in the meantime maybe I’ll take something fun that will still stimulate my mind.

The harsh reality is that since my marriage ended I have just felt like a failure at everything.  Literally everything.  And even the things I have in my life that are successful I just wait for me to fail at that too.  I don’t have a clue as to how to stop thinking like this but at times the negativity I direct at myself is overwhelming.  A frequent theme in my posts is that I find myself holding my breath waiting for life to really start.  I continually find myself in this same place. And in the meantime I’m really missing out.

I’m hoping tonight’s pencil scratches is the motivation I need to move forward. More importantly I hope it helps me to get to the point where I have resolution and peace.  I could do with some of that right now.

**Title from “My Silver Lining” – First Aid Kit.

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