Lost In The Big City

Earlier this year I faced some personal obstacles and they left me feeling ……well not myself.  I lost faith.  Faith in myself, faith in who I am, faith in my abilities, I just lost it.  And it’s seemed impossible to get it back.  I’ve always been a glass half full person but I’ve struggled over the past several months to see my glass that way.

Lately though I’ve been trying to work harder at stepping out of my box a bit.  It’s been difficult.  I started with some of my personal relationships.  People treat you the way you allow them to treat you and I’ve been allowing some people to treat me very badly.  Slowly I’ve been dealing with this and in some cases it’s had painful consequences.

Separating from my husband was another step.  It would be easy if he and I hated each other.  But we don’t.  We care very much for each other.  I could have stayed married.  We have a wonderful life together.  It’s comfortable.   It’s not a bad place to be.  But I don’t feel the way I should feel.  And knowing that I had to step out of my comfortable box.  And it hurts.  It’s hard, but it’s what my inner voice is telling me to do.

I started work in an office this week.  It’s a trial period to make sure that the position is a good fit and very quickly into my first day I realized it wasn’t.  There are a multitude of reasons why, but it just didn’t feel right.  But let’s be honest.  We’re in the midst of an economic crisis.  There are so many people out of work and they have been looking for jobs without success.  I’m lucky to have been offered a position.  My inner voice was saying “no, no, no” but I still don’t have complete confidence in my inner voice.

Yesterday afternoon I received a phone call from a man who was interested in interviewing me right away for a position as an office manager.  He was purposely vague but nothing ventured, nothing gained and today I interviewed with him.  And then I found myself accepting the job BECAUSE IT FELT RIGHT.

It wasn’t the kind of income I’ve been wanting, but it felt like the right thing to do.  It felt like the right place to be and before I could stop myself I said yes.

On the way home from work this song came on my ipod (don’t judge me).  It seemed fitting.

“Now I believe there comes a time
When everything just falls in line
We live an’ learn from our mistakes
The deepest cuts are healed by faith
Now I believe there comes a time
When everything just falls in line
We live an’ learn from our mistakes
The deepest cuts are healed by faith
Now I believe there comes a time
When everything just falls in line
We live an’ learn from our mistakes
The deepest cuts are healed by faith
Now I believe”

I think it’s time to start stepping out a little bit.  It’s time to trust myself a little bit more.  It’s time I find my way back to believing in myself.  It’s time to find a way to take some risks without being irresponsible because this feels good and I’m starting to feel…

happy.

Lyrics taken from Pat Benatar’s “All Fired Up”