Posts Tagged ‘change’

Where’s the first aid kit?

When it comes to how to deal with things I believe that there are three different kinds of people.   I’ll use a band-aid as an example.

People know it’s going to hurt when they remove the band-aid so they

-rip it off knowing it’s going to hurt and they just want to get it over with

-peel it off slowly, a little at a time

-leave it alone until it falls off

For the longest time I was the first type.  If something bad was happening I ran into it head on and dealt with it.  I’ve always considered myself an all or nothing person so I suppose that it shouldn’t surprise me that I’ve gone from being the first type of person to the third type.

I’m not sure I like the second option but there must be a happy medium.

For the past several months, and by several I mean at least twelve months I reached a point where I just didn’t want to deal with anything negative.   Meanwhile things have been just piling up.  I’ve been miserable and unhappy with myself and every day seemed like a repeat of the day before.  I had good intentions.  I would wake up each day with the desire and intention to start anew but it just didn’t happen.  I would make lists and they just kept getting longer.  Some days I wouldn’t even look at the lists.

However now the situation has reached critical mass.

I feel like this:

overwhelmed

 

 

I’m not sure where to even start.  I tried starting with a list (shocker).   I made a list of all the things that I thought were wrong with my life.  I don’t recommend doing this.  It’s depressing and does nothing to improve the situation.  There are so many things I don’t like about myself and there are so many things I want and need to change.  I’ve spent too much time thinking about it, feeling sorry for myself, crying, etc, etc.

I think the only way to start is one step at a time.   One foot in front of the other.  I’ll be facing some unpleasant issues, but compared to what I’ve been through, I’ve got this.

At least I hope so.

I’ve made more mistakes than I can count upon my fingertips

It has been a really busy week.  A little bad, but mostly good.  Keeping my schedule is challenging at times but it’s definitely been worth it.  I really feel like I’m staying on top of things, being productive, and enjoying my down time more.  It also helps me with being more flexible.  Things come up that screw with the schedule and I’ve been good about going with the flow.  This has always been a challenging area for me so I’m glad that I’ve improved in this area.

Because of some personal things going on my stress level has been a bit crazy and it’s taking a physical toll on me.  It’s not the stress as much as it’s the anger.  INTENSE ANGER that I have no idea what to do with.  I know that in time it will go away but there are some days and moments when it’s overwhelming and I feel that I could do some serious physical harm to someone.  I suppose that’s better than wanting to do physical harm to myself :) .  There are some people who enjoy being angry and upset all the time.  They thrive on it.  I’m not one of them.  I enjoy being happy.  Smiling is much more attractive than scowling.  And much less exhausting.

I’m still working on finding a job.  Hubby’s hours are changing and effective next month he’ll be home in the evenings. This should help a lot as far as trying to have some kind of normal life.  Of course in this case the word normal is subjective.  It’s hard knowing that everything is up in the air when only a few short months ago I thought I had it all figured out.  I’m learning to take things one day at a time.  This is also challenging for me but I haven’t started freaking out yet.

I hate how vague I have to be here but I really have no choice.  The issues I am facing right now are intensely personal and, for some, can be incendiary and right now I don’t need to deal with the reactions of others.

The week ahead should be a good one.  My first anatomy quiz is tomorrow as well as my first critique in my critical thinking class is due.  On Tuesday I have something fun planned…can’t discuss it here because it’s part of a gift I’m giving.  Next weekend I’m having brunch on Sunday with a good friend and am hoping to have some time with another girlfriend on Saturday.

Looking forward to the week ahead.

Title taken from Jann Arden’s “Never Give Up On Me”