Posts Tagged ‘endometriosis’

Conflict and Confusion

So much to write about and so little time.  Hitting the road to Canada today and still lots to do before I go.

I’m recovering well.  Had my first post-operative visit on Friday and my doctor said that I was literally the poster child for the best recovery ever.  He then told me not to tell lots of women about how well I felt after my hysterectomy because it wasn’t normal to feel this great this fast, ha ha.  I think that being in good physical shape before the surgery definitely made the difference.  Also one of the reasons I feel so good is because I don’t have pain any longer.  I didn’t realize how much pain I was in on a daily basis until it was gone.  The relief is amazing.

Yesterday was a tough day though.  Hubby and I were scheduled to work the wine garden for three hours at the fair.  All it involves is standing and pouring wine.  It’s fun because a lot of the folks have no idea what they even like so it’s a good opportunity to show off what little knowledge you have.  Plus I really love wine and it’s fun sharing that love with others.  About two hours into my shift the pain started.  It was some intense cramping and eventually subsided after taking a painkiller.  However it did force us to return home immediately after our shift was over.  Well kinda….we got on the freeway and I soon discovered I left my glasses there so we had to turn around and go back to get them.  But eventually we made it home.

This past week has been challenging for me.  I started out evaluating a friendship I had and wondering where it will go because of some issues that have been going on.  I just can’t tolerate toxic people and/or situations in my life and if I can control that, I will.  Lots of conflict in my heart and I’m hoping the time away gives me some perspective.

While I’m away I also want to do some serious thinking about work vs. school and what I intend to do with the rest of my life. Yes, I’ve registered for school but I miss working.  I miss making money.  And….yes, this is horrible to say, I miss disposable income.  I miss knowing if I want/need something I can buy it.  I’m human, shoot me.   Maybe I don’t have what it takes to make the sacrifices required to finish school.

Confusion is everywhere.

That’s where I am today.  Lots of things for me to think about while I’m on the road.

1st stop – Lincoln, California

A little less of me on the inside doesn’t change who I am

I’m alive and kicking.  Okay, I’m not kicking because seriously from the waist down, OUCH.  I no longer have a uterus or a cervix but my ovaries are still there.  That is the first question I asked when I woke up from the anesthesia, “do I still have my ovaries?”

Because the thought of hormone replacement therapy was freaking me out.

My bladder was okay and there were no signs of cancer.   These are the kinds of concerns the doctors had going into the surgery and the not knowing was starting to seriously fuck with my head.

I arrived at the surgery center at 6am sharp, ugh, as directed.  I was the only surgical patient that morning so that was kind of nice.  What wasn’t nice was the nurse that repeatedly attempted to insert an IV into my hand.  I have very bad veins.  They’re tiny and uncooperative.  Normally when I know I’m going to have blood drawn I drink more water than normal because that helps and I always recommend the tech use a butterfly.  However, because of the surgery I had no food or drink after midnight and that doesn’t help things at all.  Also, I’m 42 and I’ve had this issue my whole entire life so I know when it’s a good stick and when it’s not.  The first stick in my hand blows my vein up and I end up with a nice black and blue welt.  So then she tries again but I can tell that she can’t get it, she’s digging and it HURTS LIKE HELL.  And I am not a wussy.  I can handle pain so if I say it hurts, it really hurts.

I make her stop at which point she tells me she almost had it and asks if I’m afraid of needles.  While I restrained from back fisting her I explained does it look like I’m afraid of needles, um, hello, piercings, tattoos.  DUH.  I was trying so hard to be pleasant but seriously, I’m wearing a gown that doesn’t cover my backside, it’s cold, I’m about to have my insides taken out, and you’re poking the hell out of me with a sharp object.

At this point she decides the anesthesiologist would do the IV and since I had already made that decision myself, I didn’t argue with her.  He was able to get it in on the inside of my wrist which was tender, but not nearly as painful as what she did.  I barely winced and I couldn’t help but look at her to make sure she noticed.

The surgery went well.  The doctor told hubby it was very textbook.  My bladder had no damage, there was no sign of tumors but there was a lot of endometriosis.  He believes he got most of it which means I should have no  more pain and without my uterus I won’t have any periods so the endometriosis won’t be able to come back.


Needless to say it hurts. I’m moving slow and I’m sure it will be a few days before I feel normal.  I definitely feel that having a good exercise habit makes a significant difference in my recovery and am thankful that I take care of myself.

I don’t feel that I’m any less of a woman and I haven’t (so far) experienced any significant emotional distress.  There might have been a bit of time yesterday when I cried for a while, but mostly because I hurt and wanted my mom.   I normally avoid taking pain killers because my pain threshold is fairly high but I’ll admit this is kicking my ass.  Vicodin makes me itch so I’m shuffling around my house looking like a meth addict.  See, I still have my sex appeal :)

The only downside is that now I can’t blame bad moods on PMS :)

I am woman, hear me whimper

Tomorrow is the BIG day.  It’s what I don’t know that worries me.  At my pre-op visit the doctor advised me that he wasn’t sure I would be able to keep my ovaries.  That brings a whole new bundle of worries.  There are tons of horror stories about hormone replacement therapy and I’m already hearing tales of women that turn into raging bitches after the surgery.

I’m already a bitch now, I can’t imagine my family would want to stick around if I became even worse.

The doctor is also concerned about damage to my bladder.  At this point I’m not sure what will be left of me by this time tomorrow.  I think it’s what I don’t know that worries me more.

My subconscious has been working overtime.  Thursday night I dreamed about four men.  One of them was my hubby and the other three were representatives of my sexual past.  They each represented different ways I’ve experienced my sexuality.  They were all saying goodbye to my sexuality in my dream.  The next night I dreamed that I showed up at a lover’s house in lingerie and he turned me away.  Last night I dreamed I was pregnant.

It’s been exhausting.  I’ve been emotional and yesterday kept crying at the drop of a hat.  I’m trying hard to stay optimistic and I keep reminding myself that after this is over I will feel so much better.

Because seriously, I miss being able to button my pants.

Wish me luck.