Posts Tagged ‘feelings’

Try to turn your head, try to give me some room To figure out just what I’m going to do

I knew it had been awhile since my last post but I didn’t realize it had been THAT long.

There have been some changes since my last post.

  1. JOB – I have officially been at my job now since the end of August. I’m settling in and getting into a routine.  There definitely is a learning curve as this is a complete new specialty for me. I’m enjoying learning so many new things but it’s been exhausting. Both of the offices I manage are awesome and I have great staff. I’m feeling fairly blessed with how things are turning out.
  2. Volunteering – I did start volunteer training with SARC and had to step away from it this week. Part of the reason is my health (see 3) and there was some other stuff going on too. I’ll touch more on that later in the post.
  3. My Health – My thyroid issues have not improved. The doctor that originally diagnosed me has increased my medication and I’m hoping I’ll feel a difference soon. My former doctor has given me enough refills to get me through to the end of the year but I need to find a local doctor here and get more labs done. I’m trying to wait until I’ve been on the higher dose for at least a month.  In the meantime I’m chronologically exhausted which really sucks.
  4. Kickboxing – Yes, I’ve started back.  I’ve found a real muay thai gym here in Portland that is literally around the corner from the house we rented (see 5). I mean literally. If I walk into the backyard I can see the back of the building the gym is in.  I started last week and I’m loving it.  I’m definitely getting my ass kicked though. The classes are an hour long and the entire hour is spent with a partner. So far the classes I’ve been in are all just four to five people and I’ve been the only female. It’s a fundamentals class so I’m assuming the other classes have more attendees. They also have a jujitsu program that I’m considering. I’ve never done jujitsu before and it might be a nice addition to my work out program.
  5. We Have A Place To Live – We rented a house here in Portland and I get the keys on Saturday. We’re paying more rent than we wanted to but I think for a year we can suck it up. It’s in SE Portland and close to so many things. We decided that living closer to downtown was preferable for at least a year so that we could get our bearings and learn our way around. The house is perfect for My Love and me and was built in the late 1800s. This is our first place together. He’s lived in mine and I’ve lived in his but we’ve never just gotten one together so it’s very exciting. If everything goes according to plan My Love will be here in a week and a half with a moving truck and we’ll finally be back living in the same house.  I can’t wait.

Dropping out of volunteer training was an incredibly difficult decision. I was just completely exhausted and felt horrible all the time.  Dealing with the thyroid issue has been very frustrating. Not to mention there’s been some weight gain involved and that is adding to my stress. Right now I have to put my health first. The doctor wasn’t pleased with the outcome of some of my blood work and it’s important that I get things in check. The schedule I was keeping wasn’t allowing me to do that.

Secondary to that there was an emotional toll on me. Training did bring up some stuff that, to be perfectly honest, I just don’t know what to do with. I started to really question the motivation behind some major decisions I made fourteen years ago and that led me down a pretty crazy rabbit hole. I had to put my compartmentalization skills to work and put this stuff aside for now. I was lying in bed every night doing some crazy “what if” thinking which isn’t good for anyone. I also opened up about it to the wrong person and that didn’t help the situation at all, in fact it just added an entire new level of confusion for me. On the plus side there’s been a couple of people that have been pretty awesome and that’s what I’m going to concentrate on.

That’s all I’ve got going on for now. It’s time to get my booty in bed.  I’ll try not to let six weeks go before I update again, but no promises.

Title taken from “Back To Good” Matchbox 20

Sometimes love does hurt

Last week sucked.

Monday night I had a total meltdown.  I’ve been carrying a lot of crap around inside and something small set me off.  Tuesday was just as hard and brought about some painful conversations.  By Tuesday night I was starting to feel better.  I was starting to feel like I had a handle on things.  Then I woke up Wednesday morning at 3am in a lot of pain.  Mostly abdominal.  After about 45 minutes I game up trying to go back to sleep, got up and did some things around the house.  I made it through my work out and headed off to school but I just gradually began to feel worse.  I ended up leaving school early, coming home and going to bed.

The next day I still felt pretty crappy.  The pain had moved to my side and between being nauseous and dizzy I was losing the battle so off to the doctor I went. Naturally he couldn’t figure out what was wrong and wanted me to undergo every test under the sun.

Somehow though I just knew it was the stress of everything that had been going on.  The acupuncturist made a good point – that my body holds onto the stress and when I let go, I feel better emotionally but now my body has to let go of it…and that’s when I have a problem.

Everyday I feel a little better.  But it took me listening to my body.  I slept a lot, didn’t work out, and moved at a slower pace for a few days.  It did me a world of good.

I don’t enjoy being stressed out.  I don’t enjoy being unhappy.  I know people who do enjoy feeling that way and I just don’t get it.  Personally I think it just takes too much energy to feel miserable all the time.  Plus…who wants to spend time with anyone like that?

Unfortunately there are times when stress and any unhappiness that comes with it just can’t be avoided.  I’m glad, that for the most part, I feel like I can move on from it.  I spent a lot of time with friends during the past week and weekend and they really helped me put some perspective on things.  Especially in regards to losing someone who I thought was my best friend…only to find out that she really wasn’t.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again…I’m a horrible judge of character.

I trust a little less now.  Not because I feel hurt but because obviously I trust the wrong people.  However, I’m not one for walking around thinking that now everyone is out to hurt me.  I refuse to believe that about the people I care about.  There’s no point in having close relationships with others if you’re always wondering when they’re going to stab you in the back.  Caring about others opens you up to being hurt.  That is part of the deal.  I’m okay with that…and I’m a better person because of it.

Where did I come from?

This past week I’ve done pretty well with my effort at time management.  It wasn’t perfect, but I’m happy with my efforts this week.  It really left the weekend free and open for me to do what I want without pressure of feeling like I have to get something done.  So………

Adhere to a schedule – check

Enjoy my downtime – check

I also started working on our family tree.  I’m so addicted to the ancestry.com website and I must admit addicted is the understatement of the year.  The whole process is so fascinating and I’m learning so much about my family.  Finding information on my mother’s side is proving to be a bit difficult.  I did recently find out that my great-aunt, whom I’ve met and frequently saw as a child, is still living and is a few hours away.  I’ve been able to find her phone number and I’m planning to contact her and hopefully arrange a visit.  She is 85-years-old and I’m really hoping that she remembers me and can help provide some family history.

Last night while I was at my dad’s he gave me a bunch of old family pictures.  I pretty much have all of my maternal grandmother’s albums so I’m really hoping I can put some faces to the names.   I’m looking forward to scanning them and putting them up on the website.

Work on our family tree…check

The other day I had a job interview.  I think it went really well and I have very mixed feelings about it.  I’m not going to say much more because I don’t want to jinx it.  To work or not to work is the biggest challenge I’m facing right now.

Okay it isn’t the biggest.  I’m doing very well, personally, mentally, but emotionally I have shaky moments.  Or I guess I should say shaky days.  Today is one of them.  I cry easily which I hate.  I have bad dreams that keep me awake.  I’m working on these issues but it’s a slow process. I’m not the most patient person in the world.  I guess it’s as good time as any to learn that lesson.

Hoping next week is better.