Posts Tagged ‘friends’

Life has been patiently waiting for me

A little over 13 years go I packed up my car and moved here to Southern California. I left the place where I had done most of my growing up, where I had married my first husband, where I had my children, and where everybody I knew was. And I moved to a place where I only knew one person – my husband.

13 years later I no longer have that husband. But I do have the most amazing friends.  I’ve spent 13 somewhat happy years here and Saturday morning I say goodbye.

Remote road at dusk

Leaving here is a lot harder than I thought it would be.

When I left to move here it was the right thing to do.  When you grow up in a small town and you live somewhere where everyone knows you it’s hard to grow and to change as a person. People can’t see you as anything other than what they’ve always known. And that can be tough.  A year before I moved here I ended a relationship that was tumultous to say the least. Three months after ending the relationship I married my husband. I suppose in many ways I was just running away, which isn’t the appropriate response to much of anything, but at the time it just seemed like what I needed to do.  So I left.

I had never planned to stay in Southern California.  I’m not a big city girl. I love visiting the big city, but it’s not where I want to live. I’m very much a wide open spaces kind of girl. The plan was to move back to Northern California after the husband had retired.

The husband did retire. And then we split up.  And if I had a nickel for everytime in the last three years I wanted to run away I could buy my own island. But Beav will still in school and I wasn’t about to uproot his whole life.

A few years ago, four to be exact, I took a road trip to Canada. On the way I drove through Oregon and it was love at first sight. A year later I went back and I still loved it. Last year My Love and me went again (twice) and we both loved it and we knew that’s where we were going to end up. We began making plans. I gave notice at work and we started packing the house up. The original plan was to move together but My Love has been busy with work to the point that he hasn’t been able to do things that need to be done before he can move. After lots of conversation we agreed the best thing to do was for me to go first. I could find a place to live, look for work (more on that later) and “settle in.”

Some change is unsettling for me. However big life changes such as the move, it doesn’t faze me. I find it invigorating. But leaving Southern California won’t be as easy as moving here was. Saying goodbye to my friends has been truly difficult and I’ve shed quite a few tears. The family of friends that have formed over the past 13 years is nothing short of incredible. Some of these people literally saved my life in ways that they don’t even know during the past few years. These friends have watched my boys grow up, they’ve seen my marriage fall apart, and they’ve watched me fall in love.

I feel nothing short of blessed for the friendships that I have.  And I’m holding all my friends to their promises of coming to visit me lol.

Thirteen years ago when I packed up my car and hit the road I purposely played Rascal Flat’s “I’m Moving On.”  It seemed appropriate and fitting at the time:

“I’ve lived in this place and I know all the faces Each one is different but they’re always the same They mean me no harm but it’s time that I face it They’ll never allow me to change But I never dreamed home would end up where I don’t belong I’m movin’ on”

This time I won’t be playing that song. I do feel this move is the right thing for me. But this time I’m not running away. I’m running forwards. I’m running to something that’s unknown but yet full of promise. It’s time for the second half of my life to start. And I have no idea what the future holds but I can’t wait to find out.

Sometimes love does hurt

Last week sucked.

Monday night I had a total meltdown.  I’ve been carrying a lot of crap around inside and something small set me off.  Tuesday was just as hard and brought about some painful conversations.  By Tuesday night I was starting to feel better.  I was starting to feel like I had a handle on things.  Then I woke up Wednesday morning at 3am in a lot of pain.  Mostly abdominal.  After about 45 minutes I game up trying to go back to sleep, got up and did some things around the house.  I made it through my work out and headed off to school but I just gradually began to feel worse.  I ended up leaving school early, coming home and going to bed.

The next day I still felt pretty crappy.  The pain had moved to my side and between being nauseous and dizzy I was losing the battle so off to the doctor I went. Naturally he couldn’t figure out what was wrong and wanted me to undergo every test under the sun.

Somehow though I just knew it was the stress of everything that had been going on.  The acupuncturist made a good point – that my body holds onto the stress and when I let go, I feel better emotionally but now my body has to let go of it…and that’s when I have a problem.

Everyday I feel a little better.  But it took me listening to my body.  I slept a lot, didn’t work out, and moved at a slower pace for a few days.  It did me a world of good.

I don’t enjoy being stressed out.  I don’t enjoy being unhappy.  I know people who do enjoy feeling that way and I just don’t get it.  Personally I think it just takes too much energy to feel miserable all the time.  Plus…who wants to spend time with anyone like that?

Unfortunately there are times when stress and any unhappiness that comes with it just can’t be avoided.  I’m glad, that for the most part, I feel like I can move on from it.  I spent a lot of time with friends during the past week and weekend and they really helped me put some perspective on things.  Especially in regards to losing someone who I thought was my best friend…only to find out that she really wasn’t.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again…I’m a horrible judge of character.

I trust a little less now.  Not because I feel hurt but because obviously I trust the wrong people.  However, I’m not one for walking around thinking that now everyone is out to hurt me.  I refuse to believe that about the people I care about.  There’s no point in having close relationships with others if you’re always wondering when they’re going to stab you in the back.  Caring about others opens you up to being hurt.  That is part of the deal.  I’m okay with that…and I’m a better person because of it.

I’ve made more mistakes than I can count upon my fingertips

It has been a really busy week.  A little bad, but mostly good.  Keeping my schedule is challenging at times but it’s definitely been worth it.  I really feel like I’m staying on top of things, being productive, and enjoying my down time more.  It also helps me with being more flexible.  Things come up that screw with the schedule and I’ve been good about going with the flow.  This has always been a challenging area for me so I’m glad that I’ve improved in this area.

Because of some personal things going on my stress level has been a bit crazy and it’s taking a physical toll on me.  It’s not the stress as much as it’s the anger.  INTENSE ANGER that I have no idea what to do with.  I know that in time it will go away but there are some days and moments when it’s overwhelming and I feel that I could do some serious physical harm to someone.  I suppose that’s better than wanting to do physical harm to myself :) .  There are some people who enjoy being angry and upset all the time.  They thrive on it.  I’m not one of them.  I enjoy being happy.  Smiling is much more attractive than scowling.  And much less exhausting.

I’m still working on finding a job.  Hubby’s hours are changing and effective next month he’ll be home in the evenings. This should help a lot as far as trying to have some kind of normal life.  Of course in this case the word normal is subjective.  It’s hard knowing that everything is up in the air when only a few short months ago I thought I had it all figured out.  I’m learning to take things one day at a time.  This is also challenging for me but I haven’t started freaking out yet.

I hate how vague I have to be here but I really have no choice.  The issues I am facing right now are intensely personal and, for some, can be incendiary and right now I don’t need to deal with the reactions of others.

The week ahead should be a good one.  My first anatomy quiz is tomorrow as well as my first critique in my critical thinking class is due.  On Tuesday I have something fun planned…can’t discuss it here because it’s part of a gift I’m giving.  Next weekend I’m having brunch on Sunday with a good friend and am hoping to have some time with another girlfriend on Saturday.

Looking forward to the week ahead.

Title taken from Jann Arden’s “Never Give Up On Me”

Conflict and Confusion

So much to write about and so little time.  Hitting the road to Canada today and still lots to do before I go.

I’m recovering well.  Had my first post-operative visit on Friday and my doctor said that I was literally the poster child for the best recovery ever.  He then told me not to tell lots of women about how well I felt after my hysterectomy because it wasn’t normal to feel this great this fast, ha ha.  I think that being in good physical shape before the surgery definitely made the difference.  Also one of the reasons I feel so good is because I don’t have pain any longer.  I didn’t realize how much pain I was in on a daily basis until it was gone.  The relief is amazing.

Yesterday was a tough day though.  Hubby and I were scheduled to work the wine garden for three hours at the fair.  All it involves is standing and pouring wine.  It’s fun because a lot of the folks have no idea what they even like so it’s a good opportunity to show off what little knowledge you have.  Plus I really love wine and it’s fun sharing that love with others.  About two hours into my shift the pain started.  It was some intense cramping and eventually subsided after taking a painkiller.  However it did force us to return home immediately after our shift was over.  Well kinda….we got on the freeway and I soon discovered I left my glasses there so we had to turn around and go back to get them.  But eventually we made it home.

This past week has been challenging for me.  I started out evaluating a friendship I had and wondering where it will go because of some issues that have been going on.  I just can’t tolerate toxic people and/or situations in my life and if I can control that, I will.  Lots of conflict in my heart and I’m hoping the time away gives me some perspective.

While I’m away I also want to do some serious thinking about work vs. school and what I intend to do with the rest of my life. Yes, I’ve registered for school but I miss working.  I miss making money.  And….yes, this is horrible to say, I miss disposable income.  I miss knowing if I want/need something I can buy it.  I’m human, shoot me.   Maybe I don’t have what it takes to make the sacrifices required to finish school.

Confusion is everywhere.

That’s where I am today.  Lots of things for me to think about while I’m on the road.

1st stop – Lincoln, California