Posts Tagged ‘health’

Try to turn your head, try to give me some room To figure out just what I’m going to do

I knew it had been awhile since my last post but I didn’t realize it had been THAT long.

There have been some changes since my last post.

  1. JOB – I have officially been at my job now since the end of August. I’m settling in and getting into a routine.  There definitely is a learning curve as this is a complete new specialty for me. I’m enjoying learning so many new things but it’s been exhausting. Both of the offices I manage are awesome and I have great staff. I’m feeling fairly blessed with how things are turning out.
  2. Volunteering – I did start volunteer training with SARC and had to step away from it this week. Part of the reason is my health (see 3) and there was some other stuff going on too. I’ll touch more on that later in the post.
  3. My Health – My thyroid issues have not improved. The doctor that originally diagnosed me has increased my medication and I’m hoping I’ll feel a difference soon. My former doctor has given me enough refills to get me through to the end of the year but I need to find a local doctor here and get more labs done. I’m trying to wait until I’ve been on the higher dose for at least a month.  In the meantime I’m chronologically exhausted which really sucks.
  4. Kickboxing – Yes, I’ve started back.  I’ve found a real muay thai gym here in Portland that is literally around the corner from the house we rented (see 5). I mean literally. If I walk into the backyard I can see the back of the building the gym is in.  I started last week and I’m loving it.  I’m definitely getting my ass kicked though. The classes are an hour long and the entire hour is spent with a partner. So far the classes I’ve been in are all just four to five people and I’ve been the only female. It’s a fundamentals class so I’m assuming the other classes have more attendees. They also have a jujitsu program that I’m considering. I’ve never done jujitsu before and it might be a nice addition to my work out program.
  5. We Have A Place To Live – We rented a house here in Portland and I get the keys on Saturday. We’re paying more rent than we wanted to but I think for a year we can suck it up. It’s in SE Portland and close to so many things. We decided that living closer to downtown was preferable for at least a year so that we could get our bearings and learn our way around. The house is perfect for My Love and me and was built in the late 1800s. This is our first place together. He’s lived in mine and I’ve lived in his but we’ve never just gotten one together so it’s very exciting. If everything goes according to plan My Love will be here in a week and a half with a moving truck and we’ll finally be back living in the same house.  I can’t wait.

Dropping out of volunteer training was an incredibly difficult decision. I was just completely exhausted and felt horrible all the time.  Dealing with the thyroid issue has been very frustrating. Not to mention there’s been some weight gain involved and that is adding to my stress. Right now I have to put my health first. The doctor wasn’t pleased with the outcome of some of my blood work and it’s important that I get things in check. The schedule I was keeping wasn’t allowing me to do that.

Secondary to that there was an emotional toll on me. Training did bring up some stuff that, to be perfectly honest, I just don’t know what to do with. I started to really question the motivation behind some major decisions I made fourteen years ago and that led me down a pretty crazy rabbit hole. I had to put my compartmentalization skills to work and put this stuff aside for now. I was lying in bed every night doing some crazy “what if” thinking which isn’t good for anyone. I also opened up about it to the wrong person and that didn’t help the situation at all, in fact it just added an entire new level of confusion for me. On the plus side there’s been a couple of people that have been pretty awesome and that’s what I’m going to concentrate on.

That’s all I’ve got going on for now. It’s time to get my booty in bed.  I’ll try not to let six weeks go before I update again, but no promises.

Title taken from “Back To Good” Matchbox 20

A little less of me on the inside doesn’t change who I am

I’m alive and kicking.  Okay, I’m not kicking because seriously from the waist down, OUCH.  I no longer have a uterus or a cervix but my ovaries are still there.  That is the first question I asked when I woke up from the anesthesia, “do I still have my ovaries?”

Because the thought of hormone replacement therapy was freaking me out.

My bladder was okay and there were no signs of cancer.   These are the kinds of concerns the doctors had going into the surgery and the not knowing was starting to seriously fuck with my head.

I arrived at the surgery center at 6am sharp, ugh, as directed.  I was the only surgical patient that morning so that was kind of nice.  What wasn’t nice was the nurse that repeatedly attempted to insert an IV into my hand.  I have very bad veins.  They’re tiny and uncooperative.  Normally when I know I’m going to have blood drawn I drink more water than normal because that helps and I always recommend the tech use a butterfly.  However, because of the surgery I had no food or drink after midnight and that doesn’t help things at all.  Also, I’m 42 and I’ve had this issue my whole entire life so I know when it’s a good stick and when it’s not.  The first stick in my hand blows my vein up and I end up with a nice black and blue welt.  So then she tries again but I can tell that she can’t get it, she’s digging and it HURTS LIKE HELL.  And I am not a wussy.  I can handle pain so if I say it hurts, it really hurts.

I make her stop at which point she tells me she almost had it and asks if I’m afraid of needles.  While I restrained from back fisting her I explained does it look like I’m afraid of needles, um, hello, piercings, tattoos.  DUH.  I was trying so hard to be pleasant but seriously, I’m wearing a gown that doesn’t cover my backside, it’s cold, I’m about to have my insides taken out, and you’re poking the hell out of me with a sharp object.

At this point she decides the anesthesiologist would do the IV and since I had already made that decision myself, I didn’t argue with her.  He was able to get it in on the inside of my wrist which was tender, but not nearly as painful as what she did.  I barely winced and I couldn’t help but look at her to make sure she noticed.

The surgery went well.  The doctor told hubby it was very textbook.  My bladder had no damage, there was no sign of tumors but there was a lot of endometriosis.  He believes he got most of it which means I should have no  more pain and without my uterus I won’t have any periods so the endometriosis won’t be able to come back.


Needless to say it hurts. I’m moving slow and I’m sure it will be a few days before I feel normal.  I definitely feel that having a good exercise habit makes a significant difference in my recovery and am thankful that I take care of myself.

I don’t feel that I’m any less of a woman and I haven’t (so far) experienced any significant emotional distress.  There might have been a bit of time yesterday when I cried for a while, but mostly because I hurt and wanted my mom.   I normally avoid taking pain killers because my pain threshold is fairly high but I’ll admit this is kicking my ass.  Vicodin makes me itch so I’m shuffling around my house looking like a meth addict.  See, I still have my sex appeal :)

The only downside is that now I can’t blame bad moods on PMS :)

I am woman, hear me whimper

Tomorrow is the BIG day.  It’s what I don’t know that worries me.  At my pre-op visit the doctor advised me that he wasn’t sure I would be able to keep my ovaries.  That brings a whole new bundle of worries.  There are tons of horror stories about hormone replacement therapy and I’m already hearing tales of women that turn into raging bitches after the surgery.

I’m already a bitch now, I can’t imagine my family would want to stick around if I became even worse.

The doctor is also concerned about damage to my bladder.  At this point I’m not sure what will be left of me by this time tomorrow.  I think it’s what I don’t know that worries me more.

My subconscious has been working overtime.  Thursday night I dreamed about four men.  One of them was my hubby and the other three were representatives of my sexual past.  They each represented different ways I’ve experienced my sexuality.  They were all saying goodbye to my sexuality in my dream.  The next night I dreamed that I showed up at a lover’s house in lingerie and he turned me away.  Last night I dreamed I was pregnant.

It’s been exhausting.  I’ve been emotional and yesterday kept crying at the drop of a hat.  I’m trying hard to stay optimistic and I keep reminding myself that after this is over I will feel so much better.

Because seriously, I miss being able to button my pants.

Wish me luck.