Posts Tagged ‘resolutions’

It’s my life and it’s now or never

I have a habit of holding my breath. Not the kind of holding your breath that makes you pass out but the kind where you think so much about where you want to be in life that you don’t enjoy the life you have.  I have gotten so much better at this but it’s still something I struggle with.



I knew the move to Portland would be a major life changing event. Moving away from all of my friends and even leaving my love for a short period of time.  It wasn’t a change that scared me but since I’ve been here I’ve had moments of fear and insecurity. Moments when I begin thinking “What in the world am I doing?”

Today celebrates my first four weeks in Portland.  In that four weeks I’ve reconnected with a friend that lives here, I’ve made new friends and have socialized via meet up, I’ve taken a road trip to Bend to see family, and more importantly, I got a job.  I am constantly having to remind myself that I’m not here visiting Portland, this is my new home.  And that’s the next daunting task…finding a place to live.   The rental market here is brutal. The first inquiry I made was a huge wake up call. “Thank you for inquiring about the rental. People are coming by to look at it. You can come by tomorrow if you want but I’ve already decided I’ll probably rent it to someone else.”

Um. Okay?

I’m not going to let that get me down though. I’ve got this.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about the things I want to accomplish and change about my life.  I’ve been taking two to three mile walks every other day and during this time I keep thinking about all of the things I want to do. This next chapter of of my life is one I plan to enjoy as much as I can.  I started working on a mental list and I felt it was time to put it down on paper.  Or in this case, blog it.

  1.  Find a good job. – I start Monday and I’m very excited.  From what I’ve experienced so far I believe I’m going to enjoy my new workplace and for the first time in a long time I will have full benefits.  I was very clear during my interviews that I wanted a place to continue my career and stay planted at for a long time.  I think this is a good fit.
  2. Find a (permanent) place to live. This will happen…right?
  3. Go back to school. – Years ago I promised myself I would graduate before Einstein.  That did not happen. Before we split up I had encouraged JBG to go back to school. He was hesitant to do so and now he’s working on his doctorate.  This does not help me feel like any less of a slacker.  My goal is to start with the winter or spring semester -2016.  It’s time.
  4. Start volunteering again.  This is something that has been missing in my life for a long time. A couple of weeks ago I was killing time before a job interview at a Starbucks and there was a notice on their bulletin board regarding volunteers for SARC.  You may or may not know that I had once been a certified crisis counselor for domestic violence and sexual assault survivors.  I was a victim advocate with two different SARTs (Sexual Assault Response Team) in California.  I contacted the organization on the bulletin board and met with them on Thursday.  Pending my background check I will start my training with them at the end of September.
  5. Kickboxing – Once I find our permanent housing I will begin looking for a muay thai gym and I want to start training again.  I won’t be where I was five years ago but it’s something that I miss doing.  Not to mention it has been the only way that I have been able to effectively lose weight and get in shape doing something I love. I might even see if I can find something in proximity to my office so I can even get started earlier.  The difficult part of this is my right shoulder has a rotator cuff tear.  Starting this with an injury seems a little nuts but I know I’ll be having surgery (hopefully in the winter) and my recovery will be that much easier if I’m in at least some kind of better shape than I’m currently in.  Look, don’t try to talk me out of it, I’m doing it.
  6. Archery – This has been out of my life for too long.  It will most likely have to wait until my shoulder is repaired because I’m right handed.
  7. Getting crafty – One of the things I’ve wanted to add to my life for a long time is learning how to make jewelry and doing some other DIY projects.  I want to be able to fit this into my life.
  8. Weekend getaways.  I live in a beautiful state.  And I want to see every part of it.  And Washington too.  Weekend trips will be a staple part of our lives.  Although not in October because I have SARC training ha ha.

I’m going to stop there for now.  As you can see I’m not one for sitting still. I feel less frenzied in my new life although I can’t explain how or why.  I just do. Maybe it’s my mental well being. I’m calmer.  And I’m happy. I guess the best way to phrase it is that I feel at peace.  Although I miss My Love like crazy.


**Title taken from Bon Jovi’s Its My Life  – Don’t judge

Where did I come from?

This past week I’ve done pretty well with my effort at time management.  It wasn’t perfect, but I’m happy with my efforts this week.  It really left the weekend free and open for me to do what I want without pressure of feeling like I have to get something done.  So………

Adhere to a schedule – check

Enjoy my downtime – check

I also started working on our family tree.  I’m so addicted to the website and I must admit addicted is the understatement of the year.  The whole process is so fascinating and I’m learning so much about my family.  Finding information on my mother’s side is proving to be a bit difficult.  I did recently find out that my great-aunt, whom I’ve met and frequently saw as a child, is still living and is a few hours away.  I’ve been able to find her phone number and I’m planning to contact her and hopefully arrange a visit.  She is 85-years-old and I’m really hoping that she remembers me and can help provide some family history.

Last night while I was at my dad’s he gave me a bunch of old family pictures.  I pretty much have all of my maternal grandmother’s albums so I’m really hoping I can put some faces to the names.   I’m looking forward to scanning them and putting them up on the website.

Work on our family tree…check

The other day I had a job interview.  I think it went really well and I have very mixed feelings about it.  I’m not going to say much more because I don’t want to jinx it.  To work or not to work is the biggest challenge I’m facing right now.

Okay it isn’t the biggest.  I’m doing very well, personally, mentally, but emotionally I have shaky moments.  Or I guess I should say shaky days.  Today is one of them.  I cry easily which I hate.  I have bad dreams that keep me awake.  I’m working on these issues but it’s a slow process. I’m not the most patient person in the world.  I guess it’s as good time as any to learn that lesson.

Hoping next week is better.

2012 Resolutions

I originally started this post in the early morning of 1/1/2012.

I am a half hour into 2012 and I can’t help but find myself reflecting on the past year and what I hope to change and/or accomplish in the next twelve months.

I’ve never been a big fan of resolutions.  Isn’t the joke that they are made to be broken?   But I can’t deny there are things that I must resolve to accomplish.

Overall 2011 wasn’t a bad year.  I quit my job, went back to school, traveled to Europe…just to name a few things.  However, the last month of 2011 sucked in so many ways.   My best friend quit speaking to me, new issues with Beav came up, and events that have only recently occurred in the past few days have caused me to wonder where life is going to take me next.

A few short months ago I would have told you that I was happier than I’ve ever been.  I would have told you that I was in a place of light and love and I was often overwhelmed by my new ability to love others more easily.  I was in a place where I trusted others.  Unfortunately now I find myself in a different place and I’m not sure what is going to happen next.

I’ve always prided myself on being brutally honest in my blog.  I’ve always been willing to share the ugly truth and have never tried to blog in a way that makes my life (or me) look any different than it really is.  However, there have been events that have occurred in my life during the past year and specifically the past week that I can’t discuss here.  I hope that any readers understand and respect this limitation.

What does any of this really have to do with resolutions?  Not a lot I guess except that depending on what life has in store for me some of these resolutions might be impossible if not unrealistic.

So here goes –

The first two will seem a little bit contradictory but just hang in there.

Adhere to a schedule – since leaving my job and returning to school you would think I would have more time to get things done.  However, it seems like I never do.  I have a list a mile long of things I want to do or take care of and I never make a dent in it.  I think this is because I have not been good at time management.   This week I sat down and worked out a schedule that included time for homework, time to exercise, time to work on some of my goals, etc.  It’s fairly structured but I do well with structure.  I’m hoping this helps me accomplish a lot this year.

Enjoy my downtime – I always feel like I’m playing catch up.  If I can stick with my first resolution then I should be able to enjoy the time I haven’t scheduled.  With the exception of kickboxing I’ve left my weekends and evenings free to just relax and enjoy time with my family, loved ones, and friends.

Complete Projects – There are some projects that I’ve wanted to take care of involving my home and my family that are always on the back burner.  Three specific ones I want to tackle and take care of in the first six months of the year:

  1.  Work on our family tree
  2. Create a recipe database for all of my recipes that I’ve collected and accumulated.
  3. Organize the chaos contained in the boxes under my desk (this is all work related material I brought home when I left my job, still in boxes.  FOUR OF THEM).
  4. Organize the china – three boxes of three different patterns, enough said.

Get my Nonprofit up and running – I haven’t discussed here what this is about.  Planning on spending the first few months of the year doing research and background on my concept.  Would like to see me obtain nonprofit status by this time next year.

Travel – Last summer I took advantage of my downtime and took a road trip to Canada.  This year I would like to do more of the same, including weekend trips to cities I want to see again such as Portland and Seattle.

Stay in School – Even if I end up going back to work I want to be sure I don’t quit school.  Even if it means I take one night, weekend, or online class a semester I want to keep at it.  By this time next year I should have transferred to a four year university.

Learn/try new things – Maybe not new, maybe I should relabel this as revisit.  On the agenda – cooking classes, horseback riding, archery.

Continue to be a good friend– More lunches, dinners, and thoughtful gestures.

Get back to volunteering – I miss volunteer work.  I would like to be active again in a volunteer based organization.

This is just a short list of what I want to accomplish this year.  I’m sure I’ll add more to it.  I think it’s a good start.