Posts Tagged ‘self improvement’

Try to turn your head, try to give me some room To figure out just what I’m going to do

I knew it had been awhile since my last post but I didn’t realize it had been THAT long.

There have been some changes since my last post.

  1. JOB – I have officially been at my job now since the end of August. I’m settling in and getting into a routine.  There definitely is a learning curve as this is a complete new specialty for me. I’m enjoying learning so many new things but it’s been exhausting. Both of the offices I manage are awesome and I have great staff. I’m feeling fairly blessed with how things are turning out.
  2. Volunteering – I did start volunteer training with SARC and had to step away from it this week. Part of the reason is my health (see 3) and there was some other stuff going on too. I’ll touch more on that later in the post.
  3. My Health – My thyroid issues have not improved. The doctor that originally diagnosed me has increased my medication and I’m hoping I’ll feel a difference soon. My former doctor has given me enough refills to get me through to the end of the year but I need to find a local doctor here and get more labs done. I’m trying to wait until I’ve been on the higher dose for at least a month.  In the meantime I’m chronologically exhausted which really sucks.
  4. Kickboxing – Yes, I’ve started back.  I’ve found a real muay thai gym here in Portland that is literally around the corner from the house we rented (see 5). I mean literally. If I walk into the backyard I can see the back of the building the gym is in.  I started last week and I’m loving it.  I’m definitely getting my ass kicked though. The classes are an hour long and the entire hour is spent with a partner. So far the classes I’ve been in are all just four to five people and I’ve been the only female. It’s a fundamentals class so I’m assuming the other classes have more attendees. They also have a jujitsu program that I’m considering. I’ve never done jujitsu before and it might be a nice addition to my work out program.
  5. We Have A Place To Live – We rented a house here in Portland and I get the keys on Saturday. We’re paying more rent than we wanted to but I think for a year we can suck it up. It’s in SE Portland and close to so many things. We decided that living closer to downtown was preferable for at least a year so that we could get our bearings and learn our way around. The house is perfect for My Love and me and was built in the late 1800s. This is our first place together. He’s lived in mine and I’ve lived in his but we’ve never just gotten one together so it’s very exciting. If everything goes according to plan My Love will be here in a week and a half with a moving truck and we’ll finally be back living in the same house.  I can’t wait.

Dropping out of volunteer training was an incredibly difficult decision. I was just completely exhausted and felt horrible all the time.  Dealing with the thyroid issue has been very frustrating. Not to mention there’s been some weight gain involved and that is adding to my stress. Right now I have to put my health first. The doctor wasn’t pleased with the outcome of some of my blood work and it’s important that I get things in check. The schedule I was keeping wasn’t allowing me to do that.

Secondary to that there was an emotional toll on me. Training did bring up some stuff that, to be perfectly honest, I just don’t know what to do with. I started to really question the motivation behind some major decisions I made fourteen years ago and that led me down a pretty crazy rabbit hole. I had to put my compartmentalization skills to work and put this stuff aside for now. I was lying in bed every night doing some crazy “what if” thinking which isn’t good for anyone. I also opened up about it to the wrong person and that didn’t help the situation at all, in fact it just added an entire new level of confusion for me. On the plus side there’s been a couple of people that have been pretty awesome and that’s what I’m going to concentrate on.

That’s all I’ve got going on for now. It’s time to get my booty in bed.  I’ll try not to let six weeks go before I update again, but no promises.

Title taken from “Back To Good” Matchbox 20

It’s my life and it’s now or never

I have a habit of holding my breath. Not the kind of holding your breath that makes you pass out but the kind where you think so much about where you want to be in life that you don’t enjoy the life you have.  I have gotten so much better at this but it’s still something I struggle with.

 

Cricket-is-Akin5

I knew the move to Portland would be a major life changing event. Moving away from all of my friends and even leaving my love for a short period of time.  It wasn’t a change that scared me but since I’ve been here I’ve had moments of fear and insecurity. Moments when I begin thinking “What in the world am I doing?”

Today celebrates my first four weeks in Portland.  In that four weeks I’ve reconnected with a friend that lives here, I’ve made new friends and have socialized via meet up, I’ve taken a road trip to Bend to see family, and more importantly, I got a job.  I am constantly having to remind myself that I’m not here visiting Portland, this is my new home.  And that’s the next daunting task…finding a place to live.   The rental market here is brutal. The first inquiry I made was a huge wake up call. “Thank you for inquiring about the rental. People are coming by to look at it. You can come by tomorrow if you want but I’ve already decided I’ll probably rent it to someone else.”

Um. Okay?

I’m not going to let that get me down though. I’ve got this.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about the things I want to accomplish and change about my life.  I’ve been taking two to three mile walks every other day and during this time I keep thinking about all of the things I want to do. This next chapter of of my life is one I plan to enjoy as much as I can.  I started working on a mental list and I felt it was time to put it down on paper.  Or in this case, blog it.

  1.  Find a good job. – I start Monday and I’m very excited.  From what I’ve experienced so far I believe I’m going to enjoy my new workplace and for the first time in a long time I will have full benefits.  I was very clear during my interviews that I wanted a place to continue my career and stay planted at for a long time.  I think this is a good fit.
  2. Find a (permanent) place to live. This will happen…right?
  3. Go back to school. – Years ago I promised myself I would graduate before Einstein.  That did not happen. Before we split up I had encouraged JBG to go back to school. He was hesitant to do so and now he’s working on his doctorate.  This does not help me feel like any less of a slacker.  My goal is to start with the winter or spring semester -2016.  It’s time.
  4. Start volunteering again.  This is something that has been missing in my life for a long time. A couple of weeks ago I was killing time before a job interview at a Starbucks and there was a notice on their bulletin board regarding volunteers for SARC.  You may or may not know that I had once been a certified crisis counselor for domestic violence and sexual assault survivors.  I was a victim advocate with two different SARTs (Sexual Assault Response Team) in California.  I contacted the organization on the bulletin board and met with them on Thursday.  Pending my background check I will start my training with them at the end of September.
  5. Kickboxing – Once I find our permanent housing I will begin looking for a muay thai gym and I want to start training again.  I won’t be where I was five years ago but it’s something that I miss doing.  Not to mention it has been the only way that I have been able to effectively lose weight and get in shape doing something I love. I might even see if I can find something in proximity to my office so I can even get started earlier.  The difficult part of this is my right shoulder has a rotator cuff tear.  Starting this with an injury seems a little nuts but I know I’ll be having surgery (hopefully in the winter) and my recovery will be that much easier if I’m in at least some kind of better shape than I’m currently in.  Look, don’t try to talk me out of it, I’m doing it.
  6. Archery – This has been out of my life for too long.  It will most likely have to wait until my shoulder is repaired because I’m right handed.
  7. Getting crafty – One of the things I’ve wanted to add to my life for a long time is learning how to make jewelry and doing some other DIY projects.  I want to be able to fit this into my life.
  8. Weekend getaways.  I live in a beautiful state.  And I want to see every part of it.  And Washington too.  Weekend trips will be a staple part of our lives.  Although not in October because I have SARC training ha ha.

I’m going to stop there for now.  As you can see I’m not one for sitting still. I feel less frenzied in my new life although I can’t explain how or why.  I just do. Maybe it’s my mental well being. I’m calmer.  And I’m happy. I guess the best way to phrase it is that I feel at peace.  Although I miss My Love like crazy.

 

**Title taken from Bon Jovi’s Its My Life  – Don’t judge

Where’s the first aid kit?

When it comes to how to deal with things I believe that there are three different kinds of people.   I’ll use a band-aid as an example.

People know it’s going to hurt when they remove the band-aid so they

-rip it off knowing it’s going to hurt and they just want to get it over with

-peel it off slowly, a little at a time

-leave it alone until it falls off

For the longest time I was the first type.  If something bad was happening I ran into it head on and dealt with it.  I’ve always considered myself an all or nothing person so I suppose that it shouldn’t surprise me that I’ve gone from being the first type of person to the third type.

I’m not sure I like the second option but there must be a happy medium.

For the past several months, and by several I mean at least twelve months I reached a point where I just didn’t want to deal with anything negative.   Meanwhile things have been just piling up.  I’ve been miserable and unhappy with myself and every day seemed like a repeat of the day before.  I had good intentions.  I would wake up each day with the desire and intention to start anew but it just didn’t happen.  I would make lists and they just kept getting longer.  Some days I wouldn’t even look at the lists.

However now the situation has reached critical mass.

I feel like this:

overwhelmed

 

 

I’m not sure where to even start.  I tried starting with a list (shocker).   I made a list of all the things that I thought were wrong with my life.  I don’t recommend doing this.  It’s depressing and does nothing to improve the situation.  There are so many things I don’t like about myself and there are so many things I want and need to change.  I’ve spent too much time thinking about it, feeling sorry for myself, crying, etc, etc.

I think the only way to start is one step at a time.   One foot in front of the other.  I’ll be facing some unpleasant issues, but compared to what I’ve been through, I’ve got this.

At least I hope so.