Posts Tagged ‘work’

I don’t know if I’m scared of dying, but I’m scared of living too fast, too slow

I’ve been struggling with some things lately.  Consequently I’ve been very unhappy.  It seems as if during the past couple of years I’ve been in this cycle where I know what I want to do and what I want to accomplish but I lack the motivation to get it done or if it’s something unpleasant I just don’t want to deal with it at all. I keep pushing some things off to the point where I now lie in bed every night unable to sleep just thinking about them.


"If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or objects." ~ Albert Einstein #quote:

The biggest problem is I start assuming what it will take for me to get to the place that I want to be at and when I sit down and really think about it I realize that I haven’t been practical at all and then everything seems impossible so I just throw my arms up in the air and give up.

Does any of what I just wrote even make sense?

Tonight I sat down with my “thought’s journal.”  What’s a “thought’s journal” you might ask? It’s where I just write whatever is in my head down.  Self reflections, pro/con lists, ideas, plans, goals, and the occasional doodle.  Anyway I sat down with my journal and wrote out pencil on paper exactly where I am in my life: career, finances, personal growth, etc and where I wanted to be.  Then I started to write out how to get from where I am to where I want to be.  And I realized that I’ve been harboring a LOT of unrealistic expectations.  I went back to the drawing board and developed a realistic plan that isn’t at all what I’ve been dreaming about in my head. And once I got over the disappointment of it I did feel better.

I always feel better if I have a plan.

I also forced myself to accept that some of the unhappiness I’m experiencing is my own fault.  Even though I can’t control some of the circumstances that are causing me issues I can control how I respond to it. And I haven’t been responding very well.  That’s on me.

I feel very burned out at work. I don’t think the entire blame can be placed on where I work but rather more of what I do.  I’ve been in my field for over half my life.  (Damn I’m old) I’m good at what I do but what I haven’t been doing is improving my skills. I haven’t been doing anything to improve my abilities and be better at what I do.  And that’s on me too. So…tonight I went ahead and applied to the local community college.  I need to finish my degree (finally).  I have no idea how many credits I have and I suspect I only need one class to transfer.  It will probably take at least a semester for PCC to wade through the years of credits I have and in the meantime maybe I’ll take something fun that will still stimulate my mind.

The harsh reality is that since my marriage ended I have just felt like a failure at everything.  Literally everything.  And even the things I have in my life that are successful I just wait for me to fail at that too.  I don’t have a clue as to how to stop thinking like this but at times the negativity I direct at myself is overwhelming.  A frequent theme in my posts is that I find myself holding my breath waiting for life to really start.  I continually find myself in this same place. And in the meantime I’m really missing out.

I’m hoping tonight’s pencil scratches is the motivation I need to move forward. More importantly I hope it helps me to get to the point where I have resolution and peace.  I could do with some of that right now.

**Title from “My Silver Lining” – First Aid Kit.

Where did I come from?

This past week I’ve done pretty well with my effort at time management.  It wasn’t perfect, but I’m happy with my efforts this week.  It really left the weekend free and open for me to do what I want without pressure of feeling like I have to get something done.  So………

Adhere to a schedule – check

Enjoy my downtime – check

I also started working on our family tree.  I’m so addicted to the website and I must admit addicted is the understatement of the year.  The whole process is so fascinating and I’m learning so much about my family.  Finding information on my mother’s side is proving to be a bit difficult.  I did recently find out that my great-aunt, whom I’ve met and frequently saw as a child, is still living and is a few hours away.  I’ve been able to find her phone number and I’m planning to contact her and hopefully arrange a visit.  She is 85-years-old and I’m really hoping that she remembers me and can help provide some family history.

Last night while I was at my dad’s he gave me a bunch of old family pictures.  I pretty much have all of my maternal grandmother’s albums so I’m really hoping I can put some faces to the names.   I’m looking forward to scanning them and putting them up on the website.

Work on our family tree…check

The other day I had a job interview.  I think it went really well and I have very mixed feelings about it.  I’m not going to say much more because I don’t want to jinx it.  To work or not to work is the biggest challenge I’m facing right now.

Okay it isn’t the biggest.  I’m doing very well, personally, mentally, but emotionally I have shaky moments.  Or I guess I should say shaky days.  Today is one of them.  I cry easily which I hate.  I have bad dreams that keep me awake.  I’m working on these issues but it’s a slow process. I’m not the most patient person in the world.  I guess it’s as good time as any to learn that lesson.

Hoping next week is better.

I’m not ready to make nice I’m not ready to back down I’m still mad as hell and I don’t have time To go round and round and round

My first day of spring semester kicked my butt.  It’s been a long time since I’ve spent all day at school.  When I arrived home last night around 5:30 I was really feeling my age and asking myself “why am I doing this again?”  Oh yeah, cuz I love it.

I’m actually excited about my anatomy and physiology class.  I decided to take this class, even though I didn’t have to, because I think it would help me if I decide to get my coding certification.  I’m a little less excited about my critical thinking class mostly because there is a lot of writing and if you’ve been reading my blog for a while it’s obvious I’m not a great writer.  What does it say about me that I’m excited we already have a school holiday next Monday?

Even though I’m back in school I am still actively looking for a job.  If I am offered something worth my while I will drop my classes and go back to work.  I can try alternative educational methods rather than traditional classes to get my degree.  The weird thing about this situation is that normally I’m an “either or” kind of person.  It’s not like me to take a sit back and see what happens attitude.  I find it to be a bit refreshing.   I don’t feel uptight or worried about what will happen I just feel that what’s meant to be is meant to be.


I think it helps that over the weekend I let go of some things.  I just had to.  Other issues have come up in my life that won’t be resolved anytime soon and it was time to shift gears and focus on what I could change or handle.  And that’s really all I want to say about that.

Except in the past few days I’ve discovered that there is just no reasoning with crazy and some people are just plain crazy.

Title from Dixie Chicks “Not Ready To Make Nice”

What is the probability that I succeed?

I’ve been a bad blogger lately.  It’s been a weird couple of weeks.  My emotions have been in high gear and I have no idea why.  To some extent I am still dealing with it.  Maybe I need to spend more time at the dojo…take my frustrations and emotions out on a heavy bag.

I have (finally) made the decision to leave the job I took in August.  To put it simply, I hate it.  I’m not sure why and there are a few possibilities I have considered.  The most likely culprit is that I am having a tough time going from being the boss to being someone’s employee.  Doesn’t that sound horrible?  And egotistical?  I hate even admitting it.  Even though I’m technically an independent contractor with them it’s just not working out.  Not to mention between work and school and with hubby working nights, I’m not getting anything done anywhere else.  In two weeks I start a second nine week class on Tuesdays and Thursdays which will just make things more difficult.  Considering the new class and my overwhelming dislike for the job I gave notice.

And to be honest after seeing how some other things are going there I think I made a good decision.  My last day is Friday.

I have taken on another independent job on the side.

With my former employer.

I’ll just let that sink in for a moment.

My former employer called me to ask if I would help out with an issue.  I can’t go into details because it is possibly a criminal/legal issue but I did start the process before I left and I’m basically the only one that knows where the bodies are buried.  I did agree to do this and have already talked to the management company about when I would spend time in the office doing the necessary research.  At this point it’s probably a good idea to go ahead and get a business license for my consulting business since this is technically my second client.  I just have no idea what will happen once I’m done with this project.  And I’m worried that everything will dry up after this.  But….who knows.

Hubby keeps saying that I just need to work on something I want to do.  I’ve been thinking about that a lot.  I’ve always wanted to have a non-profit.  Something that is community based and helpful to those in need.  I’ve done a ton of volunteer work in the past twenty-two years and I am sure that is where this passion comes from.  Lately I’ve been feeling a real pull to move forward with this.  I don’t want to be specific about the purpose of what I want to create just yet.  I am still doing a lot of research on whether there is a need, objectives, etc.   For now I’m just going to refer to it as the NON-PROFIT.

School, or I should say specifically statistics, is kicking my ass. This is the hardest class I’ve ever had and I’m really struggling to stay on top of it.  I’m really not used to feeling this challenged in school and it is more than a little intimidating.  I pretty much bombed my first exam (I got a C) and am so apprehensive about the next one.  I’ve noticed she’s throwing more quizzes in the mix so I’m starting to wonder if the class, overall, did poorly.  Or maybe I’m the only that totally sucks at it.    Either way I need to bring my A game to the next exam.

Since its Wednesday it is date night and as much as I’d like to continue boring you here….I’ve got to try to look presentable.   Stay tuned for more posts about how completely indecisive I am about my future.  Mid-life crisis anyone?

Off we go…

I kind of cringed when I signed onto my google reader today.  Was concerned about the number of 9/11 posts there would be.  However, I was pleasantly surprised.  Only a few, and the ones I read were very well written.  It’s not that I didn’t want to read about it. I just think everyone tends to overdo it a bit.  I don’t need a reminder.  I think about that day everyday.

We are starting to slowly settle down into a schedule here in the Diva Household.  I’m learning to appreciate my new job and I’m also realizing that with or without the job, there would never be enough time to get everything done.  Hubby starts his new night hours this coming Sunday and that will be a challenge, but we’re confident we will find away to adapt.  After all, we really don’t have much choice do we?

Beav is back at school.  I’m trying to be optimistic about this school year, but I admit it’s difficult.  His homework coach is working with him again this year, so I’m hoping that starting him off that way will help set up good habits for the year.  Of course I made the mistake of checking school loop and according to that he’s already missing two assignments.  Perhaps, it’s an oversight?  I’ll find out soon enough when he gets home.  Normally the homework coach helps with this stuff but I want to stay on top of it too.

Plus, I’m procrastinating doing my own homework.  Apple fall far from the tree anyone?

On Wednesday I have my first stats exam and I have worked myself into a frenzy about it.  Sometimes I feel like I understand what is being taught and other times I feel like I have no idea what the heck the instructor is talking about.  Never mind, she’s 29 and has her doctorate.  I’m 43 and finishing up my sophomore year in college.

Next on my to do list is getting back to a regular work out schedule. It’s seriously fallen through the cracks and I feel like a big fat slob.  And I’m up ten pounds since the beginning of the year and that just isn’t acceptable.

Besides, I need to lose weight before I see a doctor about having a tummy tuck.

But I’ll talk more about that later :)

No Wheel For Me

I’ve been back at work for a week and I’m already considering quitting.  Yes, I know that last week I kept saying that I would give it some time but I can’t help but continue to feel panic that I just don’t have enough time for the rest of my life.  Given last night’s post it’s been really on my mind.  Am I happy?

I will agree that it’s too soon to really make a decision based on my happiness.  Perhaps, given some time, I could find fulfilment in this job.  Right now though all I can think about is what I’m giving up.  And I’m giving up being a stay at home mom and wife and as much as I hate to admit it, I love being that person.

I love being here when Beav gets home from school.  I love being here when hubby gets home from work.  I love being home to cook dinner, whether I’m going to be here for dinner.  I love doing the laundry ( well, I don’t LOVE it), but when push comes to shove, I love taking care of my family.

But then comes the guilt.  My boss is a friend and she got me the job.  Leaving so quickly…doesn’t make her look good.  I’m lucky to have a job in this economy. What if hubby loses his job again?

However, I can’t live my life based on ifs.  And once again I’m sitting here looking at my priorities.




The top three does not include my career.  I do have financial goals and in looking at my budget  there is about $1000 that I need to make up every month, however, I could make changes to our budget.  There is lots of “wiggle” room.

There are two other things that weigh heavily on my mind.  I want to work on me a bit more.  More working out, getting back in shape.  Again….sounds selfish, but it’s super important to me that I have a healthy lifestyle.

The second thing is Beav.   I’m already struggling with the school regarding his ADHD and school hasn’t even started yet.  I’d like to be more of a presence at the school.  Give more of my time to the program he’s enrolled in.  I don’t want to be a pain in the butt parent, but I’d like to be there.  I don’t want to be the parent that’s just complaining.  I want to be the parent that is involved.  There is a difference.

With hubby switching to nights next week I want to be home when he’s home.  We’ve worked so hard on our relationship and have scratched and kicked our way to where we are.  Investing time in each other has been vital to that.  He and I had such a long talk about this on Friday night.  We were both trying to figure out why I feel so much pressure to DO EVERYTHING?  It’s something I put on myself.  He certainly doesn’t make me feel that way.  Seriously speaking the lists of things to do that I create for myself are not only endless but impossible to achieve.  I have no idea why I put this much pressure on myself.  Perhaps a few more sessions with my shrink are in order so that I can solve this mystery?

At this point I’m not sure what I’ll do.  I hate being indecisive and at this point it’s a battle between my head and my heart.

The heart is winning.


Hi Ho, Hi Ho, It’s back to work I go

Another summer has passed.  Even though I wasn’t working and I was at home it still seemed to go by too fast.   Tomorrow I leave for Arizona to move Einstein back into his dorm.

Makes me sad.

Although I’m sure I won’t be as heartbroken as I was last year I admit it’s still hard.  I admit I enjoy having him around.  He’s turning into quite the young man and I’m constantly amazed by him.  And then I have to take a minute to realize that he is my son and I did that.  Wow.

In the last week so many things have changed in my life it’s hard to keep track.  Last Tuesday hubby found out he was losing his job and I was painfully considering quitting school and returning to work full-time.  Fortunately, things have vastly improved.  Hubby’s employment is secure, with the same company, just a different contract.  There are some downsides –

He will be working graveyard.  The position is a good 20 plus miles from the house. BUT he is receiving the same pay and the graveyard hours are supposedly only temporary…for a few months.  However today he found out that he won’t be having any free weekends for a bit.  This is a bit frustrating because time together is very important for us.  We highly value our time as a couple and our time as a family.  I am sure we’ll be able to make it work but right now I’m not sure how.  He is just relieved that I won’t have to quit school.

I can’t even begin to describe how much I admire him for that.  He’s retired.  He’s done his part.   He has earned his pension.  The last thing he should want to do is work more so that I can finish my education.  But he does…..and there are some days I have no idea what I did to deserve that.

I had already started looking for employment and even though hubby’s job is safe I am going back to work effective next week.  It’s only part-time and I’ll be going back to medical billing and collections.  A part of me is sad that I won’t be at home anymore but another part of me is looking forward to it.  I do miss working and given the scare we had with hubby’s job it’s important I keep my hands busy in the medical world in case I do need to go back to work full-time.  Plus I get to learn a new speciality (cardiology) which just adds to my hireability.  I also look forward to once again earning my own money.  I often feel guilty about the money I spend on my kickboxing every month (monthly fees and private training) and it will feel good to be able to cover that on my own.

And yes I know that the work I do at home has value….but still.

Last week I had what I thought would be my last post-operative appointment.  I’ve been having serious issues with insomnia since the surgery.  I wake frequently and haven’t had a solid nights rest since the surgery.  Part of the reason I wake so much is because I’m always hot. I wake up hot and sweaty so I throw off the covers.  Then an hour or so later I wake up cold.  It’s horrible.  The doctor told me that even though my ovaries weren’t removed the surgery still impacts the hormones and it takes a few months for things to get back to normal.  In the meantime I’m on an estrogen patch.

The only difference I’ve noticed so far is that I’m still hot, just not as much, and now I want chocolate all the time. I have to go back in a few weeks to check how the patch is doing.    Hopefully it won’t be a long-term thing.

So much more to talk about but I’m super tired and it appears I have a huge inability to focus.

Hope everyone has a great weekend.  I’ll be in Arizona.  Crying :)

Conflict and Confusion

So much to write about and so little time.  Hitting the road to Canada today and still lots to do before I go.

I’m recovering well.  Had my first post-operative visit on Friday and my doctor said that I was literally the poster child for the best recovery ever.  He then told me not to tell lots of women about how well I felt after my hysterectomy because it wasn’t normal to feel this great this fast, ha ha.  I think that being in good physical shape before the surgery definitely made the difference.  Also one of the reasons I feel so good is because I don’t have pain any longer.  I didn’t realize how much pain I was in on a daily basis until it was gone.  The relief is amazing.

Yesterday was a tough day though.  Hubby and I were scheduled to work the wine garden for three hours at the fair.  All it involves is standing and pouring wine.  It’s fun because a lot of the folks have no idea what they even like so it’s a good opportunity to show off what little knowledge you have.  Plus I really love wine and it’s fun sharing that love with others.  About two hours into my shift the pain started.  It was some intense cramping and eventually subsided after taking a painkiller.  However it did force us to return home immediately after our shift was over.  Well kinda….we got on the freeway and I soon discovered I left my glasses there so we had to turn around and go back to get them.  But eventually we made it home.

This past week has been challenging for me.  I started out evaluating a friendship I had and wondering where it will go because of some issues that have been going on.  I just can’t tolerate toxic people and/or situations in my life and if I can control that, I will.  Lots of conflict in my heart and I’m hoping the time away gives me some perspective.

While I’m away I also want to do some serious thinking about work vs. school and what I intend to do with the rest of my life. Yes, I’ve registered for school but I miss working.  I miss making money.  And….yes, this is horrible to say, I miss disposable income.  I miss knowing if I want/need something I can buy it.  I’m human, shoot me.   Maybe I don’t have what it takes to make the sacrifices required to finish school.

Confusion is everywhere.

That’s where I am today.  Lots of things for me to think about while I’m on the road.

1st stop – Lincoln, California

Still working on my housewife training

Before the surgery my doctor told me I would be able to resume “normal” activities within a week.  Apparently normal means – sitting on your ass a lot.  He did advise no kickboxing or sex for six weeks.


I was tired after Wednesday’s adventures but felt okay on Thursday.  There were things that I needed to get done though and they could not wait.  Thursday was the last day that I could have my pic taken for my badge so that I could work the wine garden at the OC Fair.  I also needed to get to Cerritos College and take care of a hold on my record that was holding up my transcripts.  Last but not least, Beav’s phone broke and I had filed an insurance claim and needed to get to the retailer to replace it.

Yesterday when I woke up I wasn’t feeling so great.  It took a lot for me to get out of bed and get going.  But I was determined to get the grocery shopping done.  MISTAKE.  Two days of activity pretty much destroyed me and by the time I got home yesterday afternoon I was in pain, in tears, and I believe at one point I asked hubby to just shoot me.

I napped and watched television the rest of the day and barely moved.  The pain and general feeling of misery was intense.  And I learned my lesson.  When I wake up in the morning and my body says no and I’m only four days post op maybe I should listen to my body.

Tomorrow hubby and I are scheduled to work at the OC Fair but given my situation I don’t think I’ll be able to go.  I already gave them a heads up but I still feel bad about it.  I hate to bow out of a commitment, but, three hours on my feet might not be such a good idea.

The other day I received notification that my membership in a large organization I belong to (connected to my previous occupation) was expired.  I’ve been wrestling with whether or not I should renew.  Should I let that whole entire part of my life go?  I currently serve as a board member for the local part of the organization.  I had the opportunity to discuss it with one of my best friends today and it was so helpful.  During our discussion I realized a couple of different things.  I enjoy working in the medical field and want to work in it again (if I can find a position to work around my school schedule).  I was a good practice manager but I’m a great medical biller/collector/coder and it would be silly of me to turn my back on that.  I’ve worked hard in this field to gain a good reputation and I have developed great peer contacts and I don’t know what tomorrow might bring.  I might find myself in the position where I have to quit school and go back to work full time (although my girlfriend quickly pointed out this was not an option) and it’s important I maintain my knowledge and contacts.

I so appreciate having her to bounce this stuff off of.  I really was torn up until our discussion and I could hear myself making the decision as we spoke.

Other than that it’s a quiet weekend since hubby won’t let me do anything, grrrrr.  I’m saving all my energy to work in my garden tomorrow while he is working at the fair (shhhh, don’t tell).  It is badly in need of some weeding.  In the meantime I have an entire season of Housewives of Jersey Shore recorded and I haven’t watched one so I have that to keep me busy.

Don’t judge…have you seen that show?  It’s GOLD.

Last, but not least, I know that I’ve heard from some people on twitter about having to log in to leave a comment.  I have changed that…for now.  We will see how it goes.  All comments will still require name and email and will be moderated.


Falling To Pieces

Choices and decisions.

The rallying theme I see so often in other blogs is having no regrets.  I’m guilty of that.  Often pointing out I have no regrets, just lessons learned.  But seriously, how can we really go through life without regrets?  I think that maybe the reason I say that is because if I have regrets about a choice I’ve made then I’m admitting I made a mistake.

And we can’t admit we’ve made mistakes…can we?

This came up for me in reflecting on the leaving my job.  Did I make a mistake?  Should I have just stayed and seen things through?  I see my former staff disintegrating and I can’t help but feel somewhat responsible. Realistically I know that things were headed downhill and staying was very unhealthy for me but at the same time I find myself wondering if I did the right thing.

Leaving my job has caused me to look at my life in painstakingly detail.  For a long time my friends have pointed out that they believe I work(ed) so much to avoid dealing with things in my life that made me unhappy.  Recently my shrink pointed out that without being so busy at work I was going to learn some things about myself.  So far the learning experience hs been less than pleasant.

It seems for a long time my job, with all of its stresses, was the glue holding me together.  Because right now I feel like I’m just falling to pieces.  I don’t feel despondent or pessimistic about the future.  I just no longer know what my future is.  For someone like me that’s a rough place to be.  However, that’s also the positive side of this.  I don’ t know what’s ahead.  I’ve taken things back to basics, so to speak.  Whatever choices I do make, I’m going to make the most of them and do so knowing that it’s what is the right thing for me.

Or at least I hope it works out that way.